The only thing better than coffee in the morning is coffee in the afternoon.
I’ll be the first to admit, I indulge in Starbucks. In fact, I indulge in any gourmet, luxury or bullsh*t café that offers the sweet, sweet nectar of the bean. I can’t help myself, I’m an addict.
Like any addict, I know how much I spend on coffee. I understand that it gets “expensive.” I know that $5 a day adds up.
I know that According to Accounting Principals’ latest Workonomix survey, the average American worker is shelling out more than $20 a week on coffee for a yearly average of $1,092.
But $1,000 on coffee doesn’t seem like a lot for what it gives me. If we’re looking at it in terms of drugs, it’s fairly cheap. I mean it’s less than $5 an ounce. Don’t look at me like that. We all have our vices.
Some women spend money on manicures, some men on sneakers. We all have those few things (or many) that we can’t help indulging in — no matter how unnecessary or overpriced they may be.
It’s these little things, these small indulgences, that keep us going and that make life just a little more bearable.
So what if you spend your hard-earned money on a French drip? Who is anyone to say anything about what you decide to spend your money on? You have the right to indulge in what you want.
Coffee is more than just a luxury good, it’s a way of life. It’s buying a moment or a peace of mind. How many other things can give you that with just $4? It’s that little cup of Joe that gives us purpose.
So, for all of you who are tired of feeling bad walking into work with your name brand coffee, don’t. You deserve that Venti Americano and you shouldn’t ever have to think twice about it.
We’ve all got our drugs
Some people indulge in crack, others in alcohol. If coffee is my drug (I could be doing a lot worse), let me overdose.
There’s a difference between making it yourself and having someone else make it for you
Coffee is like sandwiches: In an ironic twist, you want someone else’s hands to have touched yours.
Let’s be honest, you couldn’t handle your own espresso machine
You don’t just drink coffee, you drink espresso. Espresso isn’t about convenience, it’s about quality.
Sure, you could spend the $1,000 now on a Nespresso machine, but what happens when you need that 3 pm caffeine rush? It seems a lot less practical to run home and brew your own just to save $4.
It tastes better than the sh*t your office offers
You know the expression, “Don’t sh*t where you eat”? Well, I don’t brew where I work. Take it outside.
You can’t do a whole day’s work without it
The amount you spend on coffee is just an investment. It’s a downpayment for your future. If you need to spend $5 on a grande double shot cappuccino to close a $5 million account, that seems like a good trade to me.
It curbs your appetite so you spend less on meals
If you weren’t buying coffee, you’d just be buying snacks.
It helps regulate you
According to Medicine Plus, caffeine is a diuretic that helps rid our body of fluids. And we all know what happens to those people who don’t sh*t enough — they become what they keep.
Because you can’t get an Adderall script
That’s going to cost you a lot more than some bills.
You can make it fancy
We have no problem spending extra to make our pizza fancy, or our cars. So why not our cofffee? It’s a luxury item that deserves some specialized detailing.
It will always adapt to your mood
It can be black and bitter when you’re not feeling great and bright and super sweet when your day is picking up. There are endless combinations that will perfectly complement your mood.
It’s a social thing
Is there anything more comforting than buying a coffee with a coworker? You’re both spending money on legal stimulants, getting ready to clean that colon and enjoy a morning sh*t — hopefully not together.
It makes you feel like an adult
Do kids drink triple shot mocha cappuccinos? I don’t think so, Mom.
It’s a partner
We can’t all be in relationships, but we can all hold the warm embrace of a cup of Joe every morning.
It’s something to hold when you’re awkward
Coffee is like that hot friend who makes you cooler just standing next to him.
It’s an instant pep talk
If coffee could talk, it would tell you to get your day started and kick some ass. There is no better coach, no better motivator, no better leader than Mr. Coffee Bean.
It cools you down during hot weather
It’s true. So for anyone who makes you feel like an assh*le for carrying a coffee cup in the summer, just quote neuroscientist Peter McNaughton. “The hot drink somehow has an effect on your systemic cooling mechanisms, which exceeds its actual effect in terms of heating your body.”
It gives you an excuse to take a break
It’s healthier than smoking and will get you out of the office for the 10 minutes of head space you so desperately need.
It’s for everyone
Coffee does not discriminate. It does not demand or judge. It doesn’t care if you’re rich or poor; it doesn’t mind if you’re ordering whipped with it or just simple syrup. It’s for the people, by the people and unites a nation.
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