On 23 April, St. George’s Day, an assortment of online film reviewers – the great unpaid – turned up at Somerset House in the Aldwych area of London for the launch of 2013 UK Summer of Cinema. Our host were the delightful folk of the Film Distributors Association, who plied us with alcohol and tiny burgers as a house band played light jazz versions of popular songs. A caricaturist speed drew flattering likenesses of the assembled as the sun set over the River Thames. I scarcely noticed as my attention was claimed by presenter Alex Zane, who bore the promise of QUIZ QUESTIONS.
His job was to talk us through the summer release schedule, the blockbusters, the Brit flicks, family entertainment, comedies and THE ALAN PARTRIDGE MOVIE. Oh yes, and documentaries too, like BEWARE OF MR BAKER, which I thought was a mantra at my old grammar school – it was all boys, you know.
The hubbub of the crowd – standing room only, there were no chairs – was slowly drowned by QUIZ QUESTIONS. Then a PowerPoint presentation and a special guest, Adrian Wootton, Head of Film London, who I formerly knew as Quentin Tarantino’s best friend when he ran – curated, they call it now – the London Film Festival. Then a QUIZ QUESTION.
Such as: Philip Seymour Hoffman played Owen Davian in which 2006 summer blockbuster? (MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE III)
Such as: When did the television series STAR TREK first air? (1966)
Oh, dear, I was picked and got that wrong. No goodie bag, for me. That was my 15 micro-seconds of fame gone to pixels.
Such as: Do you want to see the 2013 UK Summer of Cinema trailer? (Yes, we do.)
Such as: Do you want to see the 2013 UK Summer of Cinema again?
OK. So we had various lists. Want to see a comedy? How about THE HANGOVER PART III, THE INTERNSHIP, POPULAIRE, I’M SO EXCITED, THIS IS THE END?
Want to catch a Brit flick? How about THE LIABILITY, THE WORLD’S END, ABOUT TIME, BYZANTIUM, ALL STARS?
Want to score a blockbuster? How do you feel about STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS, THE LONE RANGER, MAN OF STEEL, PACIFIC RIM, AFTER: EARTH, THE GREAT GATSBY?
Need a thriller? There’s DEAD MAN DOWN, RED 2, DEADFALL.
Feel like a family film? Consider MONSTERS UNIVERSITY, DESPICABLE ME 2, JURASSIC PARK 3D, ALL STARS again. They’re really pushing that ALL STARS.
Want to see a Bollywood blockbuster? As a guest said to me, ‘wait until Diwali’.
Want to see that new Sofia Coppola with Emma Watson? Yes, THE BLING RING, about a group of girls who steal jewellery from rich people’s houses. It’s not SPRING BREAKERS, they’re HOUSE BREAKERS. (You can have that line for nothing.)
Random fact: the UK accounts for 7% of the world’s total cinema audience. 7%. After all, it is cheaper to go to the flicks than to the footie. It’s really hard to get a table in Wetherspoons – and what happened to the minted lamb burger? You can’t get a ticket for BOOK OF MORMON until the autumn.
We are the seven per cent solution.
A question: what happened to the movie version of POSTMAN PAT?
Apparently over two hundred films will be screened in our cinemas between now and the end of September. Not one of them features Chris Pine as JACK RYAN – we have to wait until Christmas for that.
If I catch releases as good as SEARCHING FOR SUGARMAN, YOUR SISTER’S SISTER and THE DARK KNIGHT RISES, I’ll be happy.
If I see a film as bonkers as HOLY MOTORS, I’ll be content.
Adrian Wootton described how London will see a summer of film crews. The Wachowski siblings are here at the moment. AVENGERS RE-ASSEMBLE (or AVENGERS 2) will shoot here shortly.
But no James Bond!
Ian Freer described what it was like to write for a leading magazine AND GET PAID. I’ll be honest and say I stopped listening – there is a lack of identification, you know. Cannes on expenses – it’s another world.
I judge a party by the quality of the people that I meet, or in my case, frighten away. To the film reviewer from a website with zombie in the title, I say, ‘I really could get you a photo with Alex Zane, but you ran away.’
To the nice filmmaker from San Francisco who visits London for six weeks and could not get a stint volunteering at Sundance London, I hope your next endeavour goes well.
To the caricaturist, thanks!
