1. Who will make for the best SNL sketch?

Here's the thing - whoever wins the presidential election will be the (impression'd) star of about 85% of all SNL episodes for the next four years, so we must choose carefully, lest we be stuck with another Obama (a impression SNL was never quite able to get a good handle on, especially in the Fred Armisen blackface years). Trump and Hillary are already overdone, with little left to be mined from four years of sketches - the correct answers are Jeb! and Bernie. Jeb! because "sad, exasperated dude" is a presidential archetype that hasn't really been explored yet, and it would provide lots of opportunities for Will Ferrell guest appearances as W. (and maybe even the occasional Dana Carvey appearance as H.W., unless he, uh, dies). Bernie because "frazzled old man who is the Democratic equivalent of Ron Paul" is another new archetype that could be really fun (and still have guest appearances from Will Ferrell, because hey why not?). And Taran Killam could play either! Or anyone else who isn't Fred Armisen in blackface, because holy shit how did that happen???

2. Who will say the dullest, most moderate, most middle-of-the-road shit so my Facebook feed isn't flooded with outraged news stories and thinkpieces?

Presidential policy is important, but what's MORE important is that my Facebook feed not get covered in loud thinkpieces about the President saying something one side thinks is offensive or ridiculous. And since Slate and Fox News and all the other news organizations are going to look for ANY excuse to make the loudest, most clickbait-y titles possible, we need someone EXTREMELY boring and middle-of-the-road and non-offensive. We need Kasich and Clinton. Most of the 57 GOP candidates are in a race to see who can be the MOST right wing in every aspect of life, Bernie keeps acting like the progressive savior that right-wingers will be driven nuts by (even if they weren't coming from a self-avowed socialist), and Trump and Biden would both be saying/doing ridiculous shit 24/7. But Clinton's a seasoned political operative who rarely misspeaks and is basically trying to be president less out of passion and more out of a sense that this is just what she's supposed to do, and Kasich is pretty dull, flavorless, and at least doesn't want to deport all gays.

...come back, Al Gore. We need you now more than ever, you boring vanilla snoozefest.

3. Who has the fewest family members, so we don't have to hear gossip about the President's family all the time?

Lindsey Graham, baby! Sure, he's polling pretty terribly, but he's single and childless. We'll never have to see the First Family ever again, just our Weird Bachelor President.

4. Who will be the easiest for future generations of children to memorize?

Remember having to memorize the presidents? I do, and it sucked. Still not entirely convinced there was a "President Tyler." And now each successive generation will need to memorize MORE and MORE presidents, so let's make it simple for them. Another Bush or another Clinton, super easy. Bush especially, because it'll go "Bush - [Non-Bush] - Bush - [Non-Bush] - Bush." Hahaha our political system is run by powerful dynasties and we're helpless to do anything about it!

5. Who would make it easier for internet writers to write "movie easter egg" trivia listicles for?

If Hillary Clinton gets elected president, do you have ANY IDEA how many times you'll see a listicle correcting John McClane in Die Hard With a Vengeance when he jokes Hillary Clinton would be the 43rd president that she was ACTUALLY the 44th president? SO MANY TIMES. It'll be the EASIEST entry in the world, oh man. And if JEB! gets elected, SO MANY articles will point out the character GOB Bluth is partially inspired by JEB (in terms of name, at least). What weird fun fact is there to point out with Marco Rubio or Biden? Nothin'.*