This morning, I woke up and put my best suit on.
I realized the only way to feel good on a Monday was to look good on a Monday. Twelve hours later, I learned something new.
The suit I wore is no longer my best, and the shirt I put on is no longer my favorite.
Truth be told, I feel like sh*t, and the evils of Monday got the better of me once again.
There’s no beating Mondays. Whether you’re in college, working full-time or retired, Mondays will always be Mondays.
Here are some reasons the entire world should start a petition to ban the existence of Mondays going forward:
1. It’s the first day of the week.
Normally, being first is a good thing. If you’re talking about being the first person to lose your virginity or the first person to win a race, that’s fantastic.
Mondays are like being the first person to get caught cheating on a test — not a good first.
2. Mondays ruin Sundays.
It’s pretty f*cked up when you think about it.
Mondays are so god-awful, you need to allocate at least half of Sunday to stress about how bad tomorrow will be.
Usually, the cut-off time is about 3 pm.
If you can feel any ounce of happiness past 3 pm on a Sunday, you truly have come close to beating Monday.
3. If you had as good of a weekend as you should have, Mondays are probably occupied by the lasting effects of what I like to call “the two-day hangover.”
The two-day hangover means you got hammered on Saturday night because you hate half of Sunday and all of Monday.
You were actually hungover for two whole days. You don’t want to drink again, and that’s a problem.
What gets us through the next four days of the week is that desire to go out and binge-drink. Without that desire on Monday, there is absolutely nothing to look forward to.
This leads to the Monday blues, as you reevaluate your life and priorities and try to figure out new, non-alcoholic hobbies for the following weekend.
4. It doesn’t matter how much sleep you get on Sunday night. You will always be exhausted on Monday morning.
Studies show there is zero difference between five hours of sleep on a Sunday night and 10 hours of sleep on a Sunday night.
The mind and body spend all night preparing for a day at war, so regardless of the number of hours of sleep you get, exhaustion is inevitable.
5. Every Monday, I feel sick.
Whether it’s a headache, a sore throat or a stuffy nose, Mondays never get me at 100 percent.
It’s like the calendar gods release a 24-hour disease into our atmosphere every f*cking week.
Monday’s are unbeatable.
They are like the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the 1976 Indiana Hoosiers and the 2014 women’s UCONN Huskies: unbeatable.
So next week, I’m going to wear my worst suit and accept defeat.
Over the course of 23 years, I’ve lived through over 1,000 Mondays. I’m zero to 1,000, and I don’t see that record changing any time soon.
