7 Reasons Being Old Is Going to Kick Ass (I Hope)
Young people may like to say they don't care what people think, but something tells me this is a state of mind you can only appreciate once you're much closer to the end. I'm not talking about getting a face tattoo or going through a jazz phase here. I'm talking about pooping my pants in the milk aisle and straight up laughing my ass off about it. What could possibly feel more liberating?
Tired of people questioning your advice? Just wait a couple decades. Eventually there'll come a time when people take one look at your wrinkly ass and automatically assume you're Mr. Miyagi-level insightful, whether it's true or not. It's what's known as the "Morgan Freeman Effect."
Oh I'm sorry, did I make Christmas dinner uncomfortable with my blatant, casual racism? Too bad I'm OLD and therefore immune from blame for anything I say. Pardon me, customer service representative I just spent 10 minutes cussing out over something that was clearly my own fault. Sometimes I get confused! Excuse me, 20-year-old friend of my granddaughter, I didn't realize the boner I grew from ogling your body for the last hour-and-a-half was so visible. DO YOU KNOW WHAT YEAR I WAS BORN?
They're like regular kids you can rent out and return at your leisure.
You can't go around murdering everyone, but you CAN spend 12 consecutive hours watching TV in your favorite recliner and no one bats an eye. Plus if you DO decide to get up off your ass and actually do something, now you're the goddamn hero of the human race. Can you believe Grandpa went to the post office AND the bank today, all by himself? SO INSPIRING.
Let's face it: if you survive 80 years on this planet you deserve a little respect, and by golly, one day people are going to give it to you. Doesn't matter if you spent 79 of those years being a self-absorbed asshole everyone hated, as soon as you're old enough death could strike at any moment for no reason, people start to pity you accordingly. It's not like they have to put up with you much longer anyway, plus who knows? Maybe if they make a good impression, you'll put them in your will. That's just sound decision-making right there.
Just kidding. We all know those are just fairy tales we tell ourselves to rationalize our inevitable mortality but here's the thing: at some point you reach an age where you've told them so many times you actually start to believe them, thereby instilling in yourself the very serenity those stories were designed to produce! THE SYSTEM WORKS!
