8 Excuses Everyone from Los Angeles Uses
This Angeleno favorite comes in handy when you don't want to leave your apartment AT ALL. And no matter what Sig Alert really says, if you announce, "I am in a standstill on the 110" anyone will be like, "Yeah, that's probably true." There's no need to fact-check this excuse because 99% of the time there is a standstill on any and all freeways in LA, so this alibi is a surefire win. Every time.
If your body is running on nothing but blended kale and avocado, then you pretty much have the right to be a complete and total bitch to EVERYBODY. Get in a car wreck? Not your fault, you're juicing. Steal your neighbor's dog? You're juicing, so...it was clearly just an accident. Any irrational behavior can be swept under that cruelty-free rug with two simple words: "I'm juicing."
This little diddy is great for all those hermits out there. Going over the hill is such a hassle, so if someone invites you to First Friday in some shady building made out of canvas downtown, you can just say, "Oh no, I'm up in the Valley so....no. No, I'm not going to do that." For anyone who lives, has lived, has visited, or has heard of the Valley, they will understand this. Ain't nobody got time for the 405.
Why waste your time on the "prior engagement" line when you can just say, "I have a groupon, and it expires tomorrow, so I have to do it today..." No one wants you to miss out on a Groupon in LA, because let's face it, who is going to pay $40 for Stand Up Paddleboarding? Not me. So, when you get a Groupon that gets you SUPing around the Bu for $9, not even your dentist can protest the excuse.
Whether it's the 101, the 10, or the 5, there are always closed ramps, cone zones, and plenty of sexy construction workers standing around sexy construction tractors doing absolutely nothing. Why not use these delays to your advantage? Sleep an extra 15 minutes, stop by a Jamba Juice, pull over at a nearby outlook...why not? If you're gonna be late, you can always just say there was construction, because there probably was.
No longer limited to dietary situations, the gluten-free excuse can get you out of pretty much anything. Not because people actually believe that you can't go to Bootie LA because of your gluten problems, but because they don't want to encourage a 10-minute speech about how your gluten-free cookies taste just like regular cookies--no really, they do!! If you want to be shunned, ignored, and left alone, just tell people you're gluten-free. Trust me, it'll work. No questions asked.
As Los Angeles boomed in the mid-20th century, so did the number of vehicles in the city. However, no one accounted for the fact that these vehicles may need somewhere to park. Roughly 100% of the time, you will be limited to $30 valet parking, street parking with complimentary towing, or leaving your car parked in an ambulance zone with your flashers blinking. So, if you say, "There's no parking!" you're pretty much saying, "I'm not gonna do whatever the hell it is I'm supposed to be doing. I'm gonna stay in my car and drive back home because this is LA, and that's how we roll."
The drought card is a gem that works every time. You don't actually have to care about the rapidly depleting water sources of Southern California, you just have to pretend you do. Just tell everyone, "I'm trying to conserve water by not showering...so I should just stay in" or "It's just too hot, this damn drought." No one can argue with Mother F***ing Nature, can they? Which is why I must reiterate: this LA excuse works every time.
