We’ve all had that feeling when you’ve agreed on a whim to do some bullsh*t thing you had no desire to do, and then it came time to actually do the thing and you went on full PANIC MODE.
You do literally anything to get out of this treacherous, horrible thing you have somehow been suckered into doing, even if it means making up a pretty ridiculous lie. Like the one day in college when it was sunny outside and I wanted to tan, so I told my teacher I had suffered an extreme heat stroke to get out of going to an especially boring lecture that day. Or like the very many different sorts of occasions I got myself out of by having “explosive diarrhea.”
Don’t even judge me because we all do it.
Don’t believe me? Here’s some proof.
When a move across the nation was the only way out…
“I was living in NYC and met this guy who was amazing, but wasn’t quite equipped in the bedroom department. I thought I could just deal with it because he was sweet and attractive and I genuinely enjoyed spending time with him. But after four to five months of dating, I started to get really frustrated.
I knew I had to break it off, but I didn’t know how to tell him he was great, but the sex wasn’t and that’s why I wanted to end it. So instead, I told him I was moving to LA and I just couldn’t handle a long distance thing with someone I had just met.”
— Sara*, 26
When your OG ride or die pulls through for you…
“I’ve texted my mom on the DL to call me and then faked an emergency to go home/get out of something.”
— Emily, 22
When a medical emergency was your only option…
“I did NOT want to go to voice class in college (I was a theatre major and my teacher was MEAN), so I told everyone I was in the hospital with a CYST on my ovary.
I don’t know why I chose CYST on my ovary–but no one questioned it.”
— Zara, 29
When you had to invest in a partner in crime…
“I had this thing called a ‘bone growth stimulator’ on my leg when I was in 10th grade (it’s the most literal named medical device out there. It was to grow bone, obvs).
When I’d pull one of the plugs out, it would make this beeping sound that resembled a heart monitor. SOOOO (and I did this 4 times by the way) I used to pull the chord out in first period, wait for it to start beeping, do a very loud ‘OH MY GOD, I NEED TO GO’ and then just left school for the day.”
— Eitan, 26
When you had to really cover all of your bases…
“I didn’t want to write a paper in middle school, so I had the ‘flu’ for a day and we ‘lost internet.’”
— Lauren, 25
When a nice, familiar disease seemed to be your only way out…
“In junior high, I had a crush on this guy and agreed to go to a school dance with him. I was really excited, until people started teasing me about it because he was such a huge nerd. (I was too, but somehow this fact escaped my notice.)
When I got to the dance, I panicked so hard I told the guy I had to go home because I was ‘anemic.’ I guess I just kind of picked an illness I’d heard of? It’s such a bizarre excuse. Why didn’t I just say I had a cold or something? I feel guilty about the whole thing to this day.”
— Emily, 32
When you realized you might be a low-key pathological liar…
“One time I didn’t want to go to my internship because I was so hung over. So I went to work and told my bosses that my roommate had fallen down the stairs in our duplex apartment and broken his leg. I said I found him there, crumpled in pain the following morning, and he’d slept there because he was in too much pain to move, so I had to take him to ER and that was why I was late.
Like, THREE weeks later, my supervisor asked how my roommate was and without a hitch I go, ‘He’s having some trouble getting around the city, but he’s in a boot now so it’s not so bad.’
WTF. IDK.”
— Gigi, 25
When you were just straight-up diabolical…
“OK so… essentially… in high school… I was skipping class with a friend, and we were walking out the back door to the parking lot and a principal caught us. After asking where we were going, my girlfriend blurted out, ‘I’m pregnant and I’m going to get an abortion!’
He didn’t say anything and just stepped aside.”
— Gretchen*, 30
*Name has been changed.
