Picking up where I left off before Christmas and proving once again that an old man can flog a theme within an inch of its life – some suggestions that would vastly improve our quality of life in 2012.

 

A Customer Service Renaissance

It used to be that if your television broke down you could call up the CEO of Magnavox directly and 3 days later a man in a smart blazer and jaunty bowtie would show up at your door with a replacement, an apology and a firm handshake.

But those days are long gone. Try to return a defective waffle iron these day and you either end up climbing some damned phone tree or dealing with idiotic counter help who just shrug their shoulders, snap their gum and send you to speak to “Chaz”, the 18-year old store manager with a pierced lip, pained expression and all the decision-making authority of an Edwardian stable boy.

 

Advances in Cryogenics

But not for the benefit of the elderly. Rather, I’d suggest we flash freeze young people, stuff them away in a meat locker somewhere and refrain from defrosting them until either I’ve died or someone has come up with a cure for dumbassery and sass mouth – whichever comes first.

 

The Return of Punctuation

I’m the first to admit I don’t always use my colon correctly but at least I make an effort to include punctuation when I write. These damned young people miss more periods than Michelle Duggar for Christ’s sake. Just once I’d like to read a comment from some irate young person that I could understand without use of a crack cocaine decoder ring.

 

More Choice in Creamed Food

I like the wheat and enjoy the corn but it’s time someone stepped things up a bit and broke out the cream of liver, creamed pork loin and cream of digestive biscuit.

 

Teen Beat Magazine

I’m not referring to teeny-bopper fodder full of dream date contests, I’m talking about hard-hitting photo-journalism with a focus on miscreant ear-boxing, hide-tanning and good old fashioned tongue-lashings.

Issue one: Joe Jonas gets his ass kicked.

 

New Commandments

Face facts, most young people can’t name more than 3 of the existing commandments and have broken the remainder before they’re out of training pants.

It would appear that if we’re serious about providing even the most basic moral compass to this generation we’re going to need to toss convention out the window and come up with new, easy to read commandments that come complete with winky faces, misspelled words and which all end in LOL (Laugh out Lord).

Things like “Thou Shal knot Fail. ;) lol”