Hello unknown reader,

I have been waiting rather a long time to get my content approved by the good people of FILM ANNEX. So I thought it would be a good opportunity to introduce myself for those who have not seen any of my videos.

I am Larry Oliver, an elderly film reviewer with a false set of choppers in North London - I can do rather a good impersonation of Javier Bardem in SKYFALL - 'do you know what swallowing a cyanide capsule does to the inside of your mouth?' I review films for a low circulation newspaper under a pseudonym which seems to be read by fewer and fewer people each week.

In order to boost my profile, I thought it would be a jolly good idea to be a WEB-BASED FILM REVIEWER. And who better to host my handiwork than the trusty facilitators of minama (mini-cinema) magic, FILM ANNEX. Minama - isn't that in the Philippines? I also thought I would start a blog of my film-going activity to give readers a flavour of the life of a film reviewer.

So let's begin with this week, from Saturday 8 December 2012...

8 December

Lady Oliver and I caught up with SKYFALL at our local multiplex, the Cineworld Wood Green. Audience of six in screen 12: ourselves, another older couple and two chatting females of youthful complexion. I missed SKYFALL when it first came out on account that I was heading to Los Angeles with my trusty cameraman, Kumar Williams - more of him later. Everyone else had seen it so I thought 'might as well, you're twisting my arm - argh, I can't put it back again.'

The film had a good beginning but a rather drawn out end. Plenty of anti-Sean Connery subtext about blowing up the Scottish ancestoral home. Still, I predict it'll be a hit. What's that? It is the most successful Bond in recent memory. Told you so!

9 December

We were supposed to be seeing THE HOBBIT today at the multi-media screening, but THE TICKETS DIDN'T ARRIVE. Oh well, at least England beat India at the Cricket. Roll on the final test. 

10 December

Saw Carlos Reygardes POST TENEBRAS LUX at the Soho Screening Rooms - a very strange film, It ended with a rugby match. Before that, some trees fell. Before that, a man stood facing the forest and pulled off his own head - grain spilled out. Before that an animated horned figure showing his manhood stalked through a house. I could continue.

The critic from EMPIRE magazine made neither head nor tail of it. And he gets paid.

A fellow reviewer J describes how he recommends DJANGO UNCHAINED, which I hear tips into the three hour mark. 'A good film if you like westerns!' And if you like Seth Rogen comedies with Barbra Streisand as Mom?

11 December

Have tickets for screening of LIFE OF PI 3D at Cineworld O2 in Greenwich, South London, a place where you can walk on the outside of what was once called the Millennium Dome. If I could walk on the outside of the Millennium Falcon, that would be a feat. Probably get your foot trapped in all those rutty bits. Anyway, Lady Oliver cannot make the screening so cancel the tickets. Speaking of Star Wars, POST TENEBRAS LUX has a Mexican guy named R2D2 amongst its characters. Did he change his name by Deed Poll?

12 December

I was supposed to see a documentary entitled FUTURE MY LOVE at RSA John Adam Street, but missed it as held up by Kumar Williams, who returned from school and put on his pyjamas. 'But we're supposed to be going out!' I bark. 'To a pyjama party?' he asks, hopefully. We collect Lady Oliver from a little Georgian restaurant entitled Little Georgia. Too late for any early evening screening of SEVEN PSYCHOPATHS and SILVER LINING PLAYBOOK. Kumar had hot chocolate in local tax avoidance coffee establishment. Bought him new coat. He looks like Sam Riley in CONTROL, minus the epilepsy, but with frequent screaming fits about other matters. (Try getting him to do homework.) Lady Oliver hurts leg walking for bus. Mixed evening, I'd say.

13 December

Missed screening of McCULLIN at Wired Screening Room. Take Kumar to Sixth Form Evening at his school. Told he is a star at Media Studies.

14 December

Kumar signs on as an extra in a promotional video. He is directed by young talented British director ROB SAVAGE, who tells him to look vaguely interested. We have evening meal in local pub and see images of the elementary school in New Town, Connecticut when twenty children and six adults were mercilessly shot dead by psychotic twenty year old, who then turned the gun on himself. The boy also killed his mother. Sad day.

15 December

Laundry day - no film. England make in-roads in Fourth Test, running out Dhoni (check spelling) for 99.

16 December

No film. Kumar & I trek out to the West End of Central London where we browse in FOPP (Cambridge Circus), FORBIDDEN PLANET (Shaftesbury Avenue) and THE APPLE SHOP (looks like MI6 in SKYFALL). In a branch of FOPP in Gower Street, Kumar procures a copy of SUPERBAD with three English Pounds. He is very excited! No filming today. We see a clip of THIS IS 40 on LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON. I look in the mirror and say 'This is very old!' Soup for dinner (lamb hotpot).

17 December

In the Fourth Test, England draw the game (India do not bat again) but win the series. For the last five mornings I have been gripped by radio commentary on FIVE LIVE SPORTS EXTRA (available digitally and on your smartphone). What will I do at four o'clock in the morning now? Oh, of course - sleep.

Miss yet another preview of LIFE OF PI 3D (at Wimbledon Odeon). Spend tense evening clenching posterior as Arsenal beat Reading 5-2 in the beautiful game. There was also a football match.

18 December

Kumar tells me about his day at school. He played CHARADES. Did he miss a lesson? He locks himself in his room to peruse 'Le Livre des Visages' or FACEBOOK as the French say.

Much astonishment! Kumar & I see a film, SAFETY NOT GUARANTEED, written by Derek Connolly and directed by Colin Trevorrow. ‘Who?’ you ask. I don’t know either. It is a film about time, not to be confused with ABOUT TIME, the new Richard Curtis romantic comedy out next April. And it’s about time travel. Or is it?

Anyway, a young intern, Darius played by comedian and TV star Aubrey Plaza, who sounds like one of those buildings saved by Bruce Willis in the first DIE HARD film, falls for a thirty-something burly bloke Kenneth (Mark Duplass) who spends a lot of time in his shed and staking out his local scientific laboratory. Kenneth has placed an advertisement in his local magazine. He is looking for a partner to go back in time with him. Well, we all know what happened to the solo traveller in HG Wells’ THE TIME MACHINE? He hung out with Orlando Jones singing cod-Andrew Lloyd Webber lyrics in the fairly recent movie starring Guy Pearce and Jeremy Irons, the latter looking like an albino, which is racially insensitive if you ask me.

Darius, another intern and their boss played by Jake Johnson from NEW GIRL go to Ocean Beach in search of the afore-mentioned Kenneth in order to write a story about him. As Americans would say, ‘that’s, like, really lame’. They should leave the young chap alone. He clearly has mental health issues. He is building a time machine but his car could really use some work. If he fixes his car, he could get a date and move forward. Johnson’s character is there to let his interns do all the work while he pursues his old high school sweetheart who has put on a bit of weight and is divorced from a football player. Yes, you can’t get that from FACEBOOK.

Darius has to convince Kenneth that she has a genuine reason to go back in time, in particular to 2001, and you think, to prevent 9/11. But no! These are west coasters. Darius wants to stop her mom from dying or more particularly from buying chocolate milk so she does not die while Kenneth wants to save the love of his life. Only he has mental health issues.

At a certain point in the story the time machine becomes irrelevant. We are supposed to wonder: is Kenneth for real? And how does Mark Duplass make time to act in this film and YOUR SISTER’S SISTER and still write and direct movies with his brother Jay?

There is an entertaining set piece in which Kenneth steals some components including a funnel thing that is like the time funnel or something.  Johnson’s character learns meanwhile that you cannot turn back the clock. Now is important. If you have a chance at meaningless consensual sex, then grab it! Not for me, of course, I am too old for that. At my age, when it comes to intimate relationships, women are interested in one thing, improving their credit rating. Companionship? They would rather play tennis on an X-Box 360.

Important life lessons are absorbed. But do we get some time travel machine action? Well, I am not in the plot spoiler business.

On the whole, I found SAFETY NOT GUARANTEED quite amusing and appealingly acted. The eagle-eyed will spot YOUR SISTER’S SISTER director, Lynn Shelton as an uptight mom. I did not recognise her, but then as I never tire of saying, I’m very old.

Kumar and I saw the film at Holloway Odeon (North London) with an audience of about sixty or so Sky TV subscribers. Not much laughter and Kumar complained of the lack of trailers and that it became tedious after about thirty minutes. But then he isn’t one for thoughtful movies about seizing the day. He’d rather just stay up late to watch KILL BILL VOL 1. I would recommend SAFETY NOT GUARANTEED to connoisseurs of American independent movies who like being surprised when Chloe from 24 and Kristen Bell turn up in supporting roles. For those interested in PLOT HOLES, Kenneth puts in his ad that he has been back in time before but neither Darius, nor anyone else, ever asks him about it. So what happened?  

19 December

In response to the news that Miranda Hart is touring in 2014, I wonder whether I too should hit the road with my one man show: LARRY OLIVER: A SCARF FOR ALL SEASONS. I start thinking about material. (Material? Scarf? Never mind.) Chelsea beat Leeds 5-1 in the Capital One cup quarter final. Christmas cards are written.

20 December

 Re-title one-man show: LARRY OLIVER: SCARF FACE. ‘You toucha my seester, well that’s all right you’re both adults!’ Am reliably told that LOVE CRIMES is disappearing from Cineworld Shaftesbury Avenue after one week of release so deploy my CINEWORLD UNLIMITED CARD to procure a ticket to the 21:10 screening. I should like to tell you that this film does not deserve to be re-made by Brian de Palma. However, it has caused me to doubt that Kristin Scott Thomas is always better in French. (That would be ‘Christiane Escosse Thomas’, mais non?)

The film is quite intriguing right up until the point at which Ludivine Sagnier as Isabelle commits the crime d’amour of the title. Then the remainder of the film is a police procedural in which you work out exactly where the film is going. It is all I can do not to spoil the plot. The first half of the film features KST as Christine, Isabelle’s boss in an American investment company, Barney Johnson, blowing hot and cold. She gives Isabelle a scarf. She tells Isabelle she loves her. She even delegates to Isabelle a trip to Cairo and shares her man, who apparently has run up losses of 80 million euro over a project. (80 million euro?  You could make Gerard Depardieu’s entire oeuvre - minus BABYLON AD - for that.) Christine also claims Isabelle’s ideas as her own, uses their shared man to string her along, humiliates her at a party after she crashes her own car and fakes a hate letter. If Christine could get Isabelle fired then she would. Why? Because Isabelle cost Christine a job in New York, and she’d just picked out the apartment too!

Nothing in this movie is even remotely convincing. It is like some glossy soap opera, with snatches of amorous activity. It’s like a cross between FALCON’S CREST and DYNASTY – FALCONRY. In French with English subtitles, and made up French films used as an alibi. Nice to see a UGC produced film featuring UGC cinemas. And Sony laptops!

21 December

Lady Oliver, Kumar & I travelled to Cineworld Enfield to see THE HOBBIT: AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY. I wasn’t expecting the journey to be marred by so many rowdy schoolchildren released from their studies at midday to clutter the buses, ringing the bell repeatedly (neither original nor funny). Before the 15:10 screening, the three of us dined at the local PIZZA COVERED WOODEN STRUCTURE which the buffet is brought to one’s table rather than diners surrounding a hot plate – well, I guess there have been accidents. I remember when children were free to play in the streets, and stick their heads in ovens. Now everything is subject to a risk assessment, but children can still stick their heads in the oven.

Back to the movie – or as I prefer to call it THE LORD OF THE RINGS MINUS THREE – and what about that 48 frames-per-second shooting style? It made everything look like children’s television – over-lit exteriors and interiors. It even had Sylvester McCoy from children’s television. He is what those of my generation call the CRAP DOCTOR (by far the worst incarnation of DOCTOR WHO). Now, I know what you’re thinking, the CRAP DOCTOR deals with colostomy bags. Director Peter Jackson has cast McCoy as the Brown Wizard. That’s type casting!

I’m not one for toilet humour – at my age it is no joke. But AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY puts one in that sort of mood. It’s about a company of all-male dwarves who want to reclaim the lonely mountain as their home. And then what? How are they going to reproduce? 

This band of merry and not so merry dwarves is led by Thorin Oakenshield (Richard Armitage) who as one smut-of-mind might say gives good wood. He is upset an Orc by leaving him one-handed which of course would make trips to the lavatory a bit of a challenge. (Before you ask, they have plumbing in Middle Earth. It says so in the dialogue.)

So here’s the plot. Bilbo Baggins (Martin Freeman), a stay-at-home, book-reading, gardening hobbit of the shire attracts the unwelcome attention of a shifty wizard, Gandalf (Ian McKellen) who, quick as you like, foists a company of unwelcome house guests on him, depleting his supplies of food and drink. Now if Bilbo had a wife, he’d be in real trouble. He does not, of course. He’s an uncle. (Elijah Wood plays nephew Frodo in a framing device.) Anyway after an immensely tedious set piece during which I fell asleep – too much pizza – Bilbo awakes to find his house spick and span, his guests gone. Bilbo wants to join them on an adventure – they recruit him as a burglar.

Amazingly, incredibly, Bilbo says ‘yes, count me in’ and catches up with the group. But Thorin Oakenshield – didn’t he do the theme tune to BIG BROTHER - isn’t convinced. Bilbo doesn’t want to ride a donkey, but they put him on one. Cue absolutely no comic set pieces involving Bilbo and a donkey of any note whatsoever.

At this point I was as disinterested in the movie as the locals whom Bilbo runs past saying ‘wait for me, I want the adventure’; he’s not a character. He’s an advertising slogan for LAND ROVER. The extras look like people who turned up on Peter Jackson’s set and said, ‘can I be in your movie?’ Jackson replied, ‘what can you do?’ They reply, ‘Just sit there.’ ‘Of course, the best kind of acting is non-acting. Take a stool.’ (Before you ask there is MUSHROOM HUMOUR involving the Brown Wizard too! He has hyperactive rabbits as well.)

Parents reading this blog may ask whether AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY is suitable for children. Of course not, they’ll keep asking ‘are we there yet?’ It is almost three hours long and according to some reviewers who have done research, only covers the first six chapters of J R R Tolkein’s book. I can concur with reviewers that the last hour is a treat. The 3D only comes into its own when characters are rescued by birds and Barry Humphries voices the Goblin King in an entertaining manner.

I think adults will also have a hard time with the movie. When are we going to see the dragon? Answer: in THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG in December 2013.

For those who wondered whether Christopher Lee ever forgave Peter Jackson for cutting out his scenes in THE RETURN OF THE KING, you’ll get your answer here. There is also some terrific Gollum action. He looks more real than ever in hyper-clear photography, though for much of the time I felt I was watching 1980’s television.

Rowdy school children were replaced by rowdy football fans on the return journey. They were heading for a darts tournament at Alexandra Palace. Much tuneless chanting, stamping of feet and drinking from open tins of brand lager! Yes, I remember when I was an idiot too!

My in-box yielded an invitation to the multi-media screening of GANGSTER SQUAD on 8 January 2013. I rus-vipped (RSVPd). Kumar meanwhile attempted to watch the trailer for THIS IS THE END on my laptop. It took a very long time to download. In fact, we gave up. 'Never mind, it's not the end of the world!' 'I know, that was the original title, Larry!' Sharp as a butter knife, that one.