DEADFALL is a thriller directed by Stefan Ruzowitzky (THE COUNTERFEITERS) about a brother (Eric Bana) and sister (Olivia Wilde) who do murderous things. Brother Addison does murdering, sister Liza does... things. As psychologically damaged souls, they would be great guests for THE RICKY CRINGE SHOW, a talk show so bad, it makes info-mercials seem compelling; if you have ever stayed awake wondering who those ads at two in the morning are aimed at, you might know what I mean. Anyway, here’s what happened.

RICKY: Hello and welcome to the Ricky Cringe Show. I’m Ricky Cringe –

MAN TOUCHING HIS TOES: And I’m the chair.

RICKY: You’re pharmaceutically challenged, aren’t you chair.

THE CHAIR: No, I can open the pill bottle.

RICKY: Let’s bring out our first guest, please welcome cop killer, Addison.

Applause. ADDISON, who looks remarkably like Eric Bana in his FUNNY PEOPLE phase, steps out, all biceps and t-shirt, waves to the audience, though one hand is wrapped in a makeshift bandage. He looks at THE CHAIR.

THE CHAIR: I’m sorry, they could not afford real furniture.

ADDISON: You gonna make things difficult for me?

THE CHAIR: No, I’m going to run. (Exits)

RICKY: So Addison, tell us your story.

ADDISON: I can’t – my film hasn’t been released in America –

RICKY: But it’s coming out in the UK on May 10.

ADDISON: OK.

RICKY: That State Trooper – did you have to kill him?

ADDISON: Well, my cohorts and I –

RICKY: Cohorts – like that town in FAMILY GUY –

ADDISON: Cohorts and I, had just robbed a Native American casino –

RICKY: Heap load of cash?

ADDISON: Don’t say that. I’ll break your nose. So we’d robbed this place and we’re feeling pretty flush and the car flips and skids over –

RICKY: Flips and skids over –

ADDISON: Double flips and our driver is dead.

RICKY: Dead?

ADDISON: Yeah dead. Big crash! Worth the price of admission! So my sister is stuck in the car and the State Trooper is walking over –

RICKY: Walking over –

ADDISON: Ambling over and I got to kill him –

RICKY: Kill him?

ADDISON: Of course. He could ID us for the robbery. Once he saw the bag of cash –

RICKY: Couldn’t you just hide it?

ADDISON: Really, my sister, she’s like trapped and I just want the trooper to go away.

RICKY: You could have thrown a stick to distract him.

ADDISON: No, really. That sucker’s gone.

RICKY: But you could have wounded him. Why did he have to die?

ADDISON: So you know I won’t survive by the end of the movie.

RICKY: But you’re played by Eric Bana. He played the title role in THE TIME TRAVELLER’S WIFE.

ADDISON: That was Rachel McAdams.

RICKY: A big hit.

ADDISON: She made up for it in MORNING GLORY.

RICKY: But Eric Bana does not play unredeemed psychos, apart from Mark CHOPPER Read of course.

ADDISON: He was channelling the performance.

RICKY: Channelling it?

ADDISON: Yeah, but he could have used some funny lines.

RICKY: So you killed the trooper – what happened next?

ADDISON: Well, I get my sister Liza out of the car. We grab the money and make tracks.

RICKY: Of course, because it’s snowing.

ADDISON: We both want to get to the Canadian border.

RICKY: Was that a good idea? I mean they have a pretty good law enforcement service, an extradition treaty.

ADDISON: Look, it’s just a plot. Anyway, at a certain point I decide we should split up.

RICKY: Is that before your finger was cut off.

ADDISON: I’m trying to make a point.

RICKY: But with a missing finger you lack conviction.

ADDISON: Anyway I give Liza my mobile phone number –

RICKY: You’re giving her the big heave-ho.

ADDISON: ‘Course not. She’s my sister. Anyway she wanders off and then I try to take this bloke by surprise.

RICKY: And then you get your finger cut off.

ADDISON: And then I get my finger cut off.

RICKY: How many major Hollywood stars lose their limbs in movies, when they’re not trying to win an Oscar? Does Russell Crowe lose a pinkie? How about Steven Seagal?

ADDISON: Jean-Claude Van Damme always loses a twin brother.

RICKY: Exactly.

ADDISON: That’s why I don’t want to go to prison. They only show JCVD movies there.

RICKY: So what happened to your sister? Let’s bring her out. Please welcome Liza.

Applause. LIZA in a glitter dress and thick red lipstick walks out and waves. She stands next to ADDISON who crosses his arms.

RICKY: Liza, your brother left you in a snowing wasteland with some money. What happened next?

LIZA: Yeah, and I have abandonment issues!

ADDISON: Really?

LIZA: You don’t know me.

ADDISON: But our dad, when he abused you. I rescued you. And I killed him.

LIZA: How’d that work for us?

ADDISON: You were pretty grateful.

LIZA: Yes – then. But later on – you left me in the freaking snow, with no coat. I could have froze to death.

ADDISON: But you didn’t.

LIZA: No, I got into some stranger’s car.

RICKY: Not just any stranger. Please welcome Jay.

JAY walks on, wearing a tee shirt that shows off his biceps. He looks remarkably like the actor Charlie Hunnam from the TV show SONS OF ANARCHY. JAY kisses LIZA on the cheek and stands on the other side of RICKY away from ADDISON. LIZA crosses over to join him. ADDISON snarls at him

RICKY: Jay, welcome.

JAY: I’m not going back to jail.

RICKY: No one’s sending you back to jail, son.

JAY: He made me throw that fight. My ex-trainer. He had my medal – my Olympic Silver Medal.

RICKY: Amazing.

JAY: He pulls a gun on me and I hit him. He could be dead.

RICKY: Really.

JAY: I’m not going back to jail. I’m running. I’m driving.

RICKY: I haven’t asked you about any of this.

LIZA: Easy, Jay.

ADDISON: You like him?

LIZA: Of course I do.

ADDISON: You love her?

JAY: Don’t start that again.

ADDISON: You love my little sister.

JAY: Leave it man.

RICKY: OK. Let’s get back to the story. You Addison kill another man.

ADDISON: He cast out his woman in the cold. He gonna send a child out to get cold too.

RICKY: So you kill him. You could not just have wounded him?

ADDISON: We’ve done that already.

RICKY: Meanwhile you, Liza and you, Jay give each other names.

LIZA: He named me after a centrefold.

RICKY: What did you name him after?

LIZA blushes.

ADDISON: I killed another cop.

RICKY: I was gonna get to that.

ADDISON: These cops turned up at the lady’s house and I shoot one through the door. Then I took off. A little girl said ‘I ain’t no angel’ and she was right.

RICKY: I’m sure that little girl doesn’t get out much.

ADDISON: You gonna bring her out.

RICKY: No, please welcome local cop turned FBI agent Becker.

BECKER, who resembles Kate Mara, comes on. She stands next to JAY.

RICKY: Now Becker.

BECKER: Yes, sir!

RICKY: You’re a good cop whose dad doesn’t want you to go out in the field. You and two cops find Addison.

BECKER: Yes sir, we heard a disturbance at the little girl’s house and investigated it and it was pretty clear that Addison was in the premises, armed, dangerous and not completely softened by the proximity of a small vulnerable child.

RICKY: You would expect him to be repentant at this point?

BECKER: Yes, but this is no ordinary Hollywood movie. He is an unashamed sociopath with no intention of making himself available for the BOURNE franchise.

RICKY: Even though he is more charismatic than Jeremy Renner?

BECKER: That is correct.

RICKY: You did not expect to find Addison at Jay’s parents’ house.

BECKER: No, I did not.

RICKY: In the shootout that follows, someone close to you gets shot.

BECKER: No spoilers, please!

RICKY: Now Jay, you and Liza hit it off pretty intensely.

JAY: I reckon it’s an R rated movie.

RICKY: You tell her your name.

JAY: I do.

RICKY: And you take her to your parents’ house.

JAY: Yes.

RICKY: What did you think would happen?

JAY: My mom. She was baking a pie. But I’m not going back to prison.

RICKY: Your father -

JAY: I love my pop.

RICKY: Your father –

JAY: I let him down real bad. He trained me.

RICKY: Let’s bring out Jay’s mother and father.

Jay’s MOTHER and FATHER (Sissy Spacek and Kris Kristofferson) enter. They stand next to BECKER. MOTHER hands her a pie.

ADDISON: Why is no one standing next to me?

RICKY: You kill people. Now Jay’s Mom, you were pretty brave when Addison broke into your home.

MOTHER: Being scared is no use to anyone.

ADDISON: What about my really cool snowmobile chase?

RICKY: No spoilers.

ADDISON: It’s really cool.

FATHER: I don’t know why a real country singer and an actress who played a country singer have to appear in this movie.

MOTHER: You take the work you can get.

FATHER: I worked with Peckinpah.

ADDISON: And a rubber duck to that.

RICKY: You never see CONVOY on TV.

MOTHER: Not on the East Coast.

FATHER: I worked with Scorsese.

RICKY: You couldn’t save your wife from this maniac. How did that make you feel?

FATHER: Well, I didn’t feel like singing a song, if that’s what you’re asking.

JAY: He wasn’t asking that Dad.

FATHER: I know you threw that fight. You admitted it and I love you.

LIZA: I love Jay.

ADDISON: Really? That’s awful quick!

JAY: I’m not going back to jail.

RICKY: That’s right. Because your ex-boss didn’t die. He’s here right now.

JAY’S EX-TRAINER enters. He stands next to ADDISON.

ADDISON: Finally.

EX-TRAINER: He’s not going to jail. I’m gonna sue him. And I’ll take his parents’ place.

FATHER: Addison, you crazy psycho nut, do something.

ADDISON: I can’t – if I explain why, I’ll give away the end of the movie.

RICKY: And that’s DEADFALL. Been on the shelf since 2011. A bit like FARGO, but not really. Goodnight

Applause. Credits. Figures turn each other. A silhouette of ADDISON shows off his cauterized hand.

ADDISON: See this hand – I welded it.

FATHER: Should have had medical insurance.

BECKER: That film MUD. It’s also about a fugitive. Should we see that instead?