I like a revisionist fairy tale as much as the next aged bus pass holder. The three little pigs recast as shoddy contractors aiming to claim insurance payouts after engaging a renegade wolf (a ‘lone wolf’ naturally) to blow down their houses. (I believe this featured in a GUARDIAN newspaper commercial.) The Gingerbread Man as a candy-enhanced hero who tries to escape his destiny (‘but why was I made to look like them?’) and has an existential crisis. Goldilocks as a home-wrecker setting family members against one another in an effort to get them to move out of the neighbourhood, a domesticated but territorial trio of bears being driven into a frenzy! (‘Who’s been sleeping in my bed?’) The makers of SHREK and HOODWINKED saw the potential as did writer-director Tommy Wirkola, who pitched HANSEL AND GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS to MTV, Gary Sanchez Productions and finally to Paramount Pictures. The film was made with Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton in the title roles. But someone forgot to write the script. ‘What, they beat up some women, then there’s more violence against women, and even more violence against women?’ ‘I’m not sure this will play, fellas. Let’s retro-fit it with 3D!’

Until this point, MOVIE 43 was my candidate for worst film for 2013. Now I have a new contender made by apparently talented people and Gemma Arterton, who, bless her Essex heart, should know better.

The film begins with the legend. The two kids, brother and sister, are dumped in the woods. They come across a candy house. Ooh, tasty! They are tempted – boy and girl, are they tempted by the sugar-encrusted walls and succulent door knockers. Their sweet teeth take them inside where they are captured by a hideous witch who turns them into domestic servants. At this point, a filmmaker might encourage sympathy for the aged crone living alone with no support in her old age. Shouldn’t the young take care of the elderly in fantasyland? Certainly not! ‘Burn them!’ say the filmmakers. Witches are bad. They cast spells. Never mind that they don’t have the vote, cannot take up political office and have to find their own employment. Light ‘em up! There is not much in this movie for old people or women.

In Wirkola’s film Hansel and Gretel grow up as bounty hunters, finding lost children. They are a couple who, of course, cannot have a child themselves. Nor it seems do they have relationships with others. A film of this sort ought to create a reason. Perhaps they are committed to taking care of each other out of filial responsibility; one or other of them is impulsive like BEN AND KATE from the American TV sitcom. However, Wirkola does not write characters, rather a movie title. The inner lives of these characters aren’t of interest.

The drama proper begins with the siblings saving the life of a young woman accused of being a witch. We don’t hear the evidence of their accuser (Peter Stormare) or why the crowd of angry villagers – there is always a crowd of angry villagers – wants her to die. Hansel and Gretel have firearms and have been hired by the mayor to do a proper job of investigating the disappearances of several children. At this point, I was expecting the movie to lapse into French, Ron Perlman to turn up as we are plunged into LA CITÉ DES ENFANTS PERDUS. No such luck. Nor it seems was the Pied Piper involved; he only works ports. The siblings need help from a local but only do their tracking during the day. It is only a matter of time before they come up against the evillest black witch of them all (Famke Janssen) who has her own team of crack child snatchers, taking children in accordance of the month of their birth. (How does she know their birthdays? Never mind.)

Hansel is assisted by the woman whom he saved, whilst Gretel has a young enthusiastic fan (Thomas Mann) and earns the respect of a troll when she is in a tight spot. If you think there is going to be an interesting love triangle going on, think again! The film builds to the night of the blood moon. Gretel is revealed as the daughter of a white witch. Her heart is required for the ultimate (read: contrived) sacrifice along with twelve children. Hansel and his admirer who have an amorous encounter in healing waters (cue some moderate nudity for teens) come to the rescue along with their young fan who is apparently a good shot (remember that for the build-up to the final battle, folks) and the finale goes down in the candy house where the movie began.

Now Wirkola’s first language isn’t English. This is very important because the fairy tale characters say CURSE WORDS a lot. ‘Listen here, you CURSE NOUN, you let that woman go or your head is about to be CURSE VERBED.’ ‘Oh, CURSE EXCLAMATION!’ and so on. This is no substitute for wit. Only once, when H & G’s fan serves Gretel porridge - ‘it is neither hot nor cold, but just right’ does Wirkola give a sense of the potential of his material. It might just as well be RESIDENT EVIL crossed with THE BOURNE DIASPPOINTMENT. There is also a subplot about Hansel being diabetic – all that sugar is bad for you, kids – but it is only marginally of importance in the finale.

For all the 3D splatter, which stops short of being startling, HANSEL AND GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS is dull and offensive. I regret very much my cameraman Kumar Williams suggesting that it might be worth seeing. ‘It started off boring but then it grew on me,’ was his succinct verdict.  The fifteen year-old Kumar is the film’s demographic. But he ought to be more aware of the film’s violent subtext, which makes it a thoroughly unpleasant ninety minutes.