On September 2 of last year a girl who I was so close to I called her my sister, passed away after a car accident. While many claim that she was driving, the EMT's who arrived at the scene have stated more than once that there was no way she could have been driving and end up being thrown from the vehicle and land where she had in relation to the car. They also believe that had she been in the driver's seat she would have lived. 

The girl who was most likely in the drivers seat, who drove drunk, who lived, was never charged. This has made it extremely difficult for me to have closure when it comes to Carissa's death. 

It has made it so hard for me to accept this tragedy that I refuse to visit her grave, where she lies next to her brother. I cannot listen to certain songs without crying, one day I tried to call her, because I still had her number in my phone. Finally I deleted it. I am still friends with her on Facebook and regularly go through her photos. 

Three days before she died she posted a photo with the caption "Never say you have failed until you have reached your last attempt & never say its your last attempt until you have succeeded". She always had this positive outlook on life even when times got hard and that always made me really excited about her future. Even though she was a party girl I felt like she was going to mature some day and really make something of herself. She was headed down that road. You could see her growing up. 

But three days later it was all over. It was the end. I was told over Facebook. I had turned 20 the day before and I felt like dying. I was broken. Literally broken. I sobbed for two days straight through. 

Every day I see something that I want to show her. Every day I hear a story, hear a joke or some gossip or something happens and I wish I could tell her. I wish I could hear her laughing, she always did this thing where she would kind of hunch her shoulders up and scrunch her face and giggle. I forgot what that giggle sounded like, I forgot what her voice sounds like. 

I am forgetting my sister and it is tearing me apart and that's why I haven't been around lately, followers of my blog. Is that I haven't enjoyed being introspective, or thinking, in fact. Because whenever I think, I think about her. And it just hurts too much. 

I am trying to heal. I am trying to become better. But I am a work in progress.