Love. It's the subject of countless songs, poetry, paintings, movies, and literature. Everyone wants it, but no one knows how to get it.[1] How do you deal with falling in love? See step 1 to get started.
Part
1
Finding the Right Person
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Boost your self-esteem. To fall in love and find the right person you must first have confidence and love invested in yourself. People with self-confidence tend to have happier and longer lasting relationships than those who don't. It might seem hard to suddenly start loving yourself, but it's an important component of a strong relationship.
"Fake it 'til you make it" is a phrase often thrown around when talking about building self-confidence and esteem, but it's a technique that really works! Stand upright with your back straight and take up space. Even simply standing in a power position can build your confidence. Fake confidence a little every day, as practice, and you'll find it becoming easier and easier.[2]
Be kind to yourself. The things you think and say about yourself are probably a whole lot meaner (and untrue) than things you'd say about your worst enemy. Every single person is imperfect, so be kind to yourself about your own imperfections. When you find yourself thinking negatively about yourself, replace the thought with a positive one.[3] For example: if you start thinking "My nose is too big," change that thought to "My nose has served me really well over the years and makes it so I can smell and taste all the great things."
Don't compare yourself to other people.[4] There is always going to be someone who is more attractive, more successful, or smarter than you. Focus instead on celebrating your accomplishments and honoring the accomplishments of others, without comparing yourself to them.
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Consider why you want to fall in love. There's no right answer for why you want to fall in love, but there are some reasons that indicate you need to work on yourself before you're ready to fall in love. There's nothing wrong with wanting to have a loving relationship, but basing your self worth on the success of such a relationship will place too much pressure on the other person and the relationship itself.
A few reasons to wait before getting involved in a relationship are:[5] you are feeling lonely or think you need your self-esteem bolstered by someone else, all your friends are in relationships, or you believe you need to have a relationship to be happy. These are all symptoms of deeper problems that won't be cured by entering into a relationship.
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Consider what you are looking for. No, don't make a list of exact specifications detailing the hair color, job, schooling level, and personality of your potential significant other. It is not helpful to create an "ideal" partner that doesn't exist in reality. However, you should acknowledge the basics of what you're looking for.
For example: in terms of personality, perhaps you're looking for someone who has a good sense of humor and can laugh at themselves, or you're looking for someone who is kind and cares about people.
You should also list what you absolutely don't want. For example: perhaps there's a certain political affiliation that doesn't work for you; or you don't want someone who has to travel a lot for his or her job, so he or she rarely around.
You can always revise this list, as you meet different people, but it's a good idea to know the kind of values and traits you're looking for from a potential partner. It'll make it easier to weed out the people with whom you can't build a lasting romantic relationship.
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Meet people. Of course, to be able to find someone with whom to fall in love, you're going to need to go out and meet people. This doesn't mean you have to be a big party animal, or that you have to do things that you're not entirely comfortable with, but it's a good idea to at least try to get out of your comfort zone a little bit.[6]
Do things that you enjoy and meet people that way. For example: if you're into reading and writing, join a book club or writing group. If you're really into rock climbing, go to a climbing gym in your neighborhood.
Be out and about. Go to a coffee shop or bookstore (or museum/library, etc) and hang out there as a weekly excursion. Who knows who you'll meet?
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Open yourself to new possibilities. Doing things that you might not normally do can help create a sense of excitement for you, as well as take you outside your comfort zone to meet different kinds of people.
Doing something exhilarating, like participating in a political demonstration, performance art, or something like sky-diving can help foster relationships, perhaps because you begin to associate the excitement of the event with the group of people. So get out there and do something exciting with a group of people and see what love blossoms.
You don't have to do something dangerous. You could do something as simple as take a free class on cooking or car maintenance. Not only will you be out of your comfort zone, you'll learn a new skill, so even if you don't find that special someone you'll be getting something important out of the activity.
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Give things time.[7] Even if you've been going to parties and your friends have been introducing you to plenty of fun, attractive people, you should still expect the process to take some time. Be patient. It can take years to find the right person. Along the way, you may find people that you think are right for you, but turn out not to be. Use these opportunities as learning experiences. Eventually, you'll get a sense for the kind of person you're looking for.
Be friendly and open to people you meet. Even if you don't fall in love the first time you meet someone, you may eventually find yourself developing an attraction to him. This can happen even with people you wouldn't normally have been that interested in at first. It can be a sign that a person has depth and substance.
Remember, opposites may attract. Let things unfold for a little while when you meet someone new. Long-lasting relationships can be forged from two personalities that initially clash.
Part
2
Developing the Relationship
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Express interest.[8] So after you've met someone you're interested in and with whom you could see yourself falling in love, you'll need to talk with her about this. In short, you'll need to ask her out and see if the interest is returned. It might be a little nerve-wracking, since you're opening yourself up, but finding love means taking emotional risks.
Be honest. Simply tell her that you really like her and would like to see where the relationship goes. All you have to say is "Hey, I really like you and I'd like to [do some fun activity] with you."
If she says no, that's okay! It's not a reflection on you and whether you're lovable. Don't press her or be pushy, because that will only irritate her and make her feel as if you don't respect her and her boundaries.
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Open yourself up emotionally. Falling in love means opening yourself up to the other person emotionally. It's about taking a risk and being open and vulnerable with another person.[9] It can be scary to lay yourself open like that, but it's the only way to deepen a relationship.
It's important to remember that people move at different speeds in terms of relationships, so the other person may take less or more time to open up emotionally. As long as you communicate about where you both are in the relationship this shouldn't pose a problem.
If the other person doesn't reciprocate your openness or interest in having a connected, open relationship, then it's time to move on and find someone who is more committed to the same type of relationship as you.
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Check compatibility. Intimate compatibility is incredibly important to ensuring a loving connection (and this doesn't just mean sex). Look at the person you're with and see how you connect.[10]
Emotional compatibility means expressing tender and loving feelings towards one another in a constructive and fulfilling manner. This means effectively expressing things like, "I'm sorry," asking (and caring) how you're doing, and expressing what you mean to one another.
Physical compatibility means expressions of affection and intimacy (again, this does not necessarily mean sex, although that can be an important component in some people's relationships). Things like hugging, cuddling, holding hands, kissing are expressions of physical intimacy.
Intellectual compatibility means that you feel on equal footing with the other person and that the two of you engage in mutual discussions that are fulfilling to you both, even if you don't necessarily have the same things in common.
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Don't force it. Trying to force yourself or another person to fall in love won't work and will simply make you or him resent the relationship eventually. Falling in love is, in a sense, letting go of control. Be open what the other person is feeling about the relationship, as well as what you want from it.
Let go of the need to control the outcome of the relationship. You can't know where the relationship is going to go and whether it will end in love, or if it will simply end. Be open to the possibilities and let it go where it will go.
Part
3
Building a Lasting Connection
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Build trust.[11] Trusting your partner is one of the keys to staying in love and staying in a relationship. Without trust, the relationship becomes a ticking time bomb and not something you want to be a part of.
Check that your partner is reliable and dependable. Does she do what she says she is going to do, when she says she is going to do it? Do you? Building trust and being reliable goes both ways.
Your partner should be someone that you can count on. If you can't count on her, or she doesn't keep their promises (she lies, she cheats, she's flaky, etc.), she probably isn't someone with whom you want to have a lasting connection. You shouldn't go into a relationship looking to change someone or make her "better."
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Deal with conflict appropriately.[12] All relationships have conflict. You aren't going to agree with your significant other all the time, but dealing with your argument in a healthy manner will mean that the relationship is more likely to last.
Things not to do: hold grudges (you need to talk your problems out before they spiral into a long-time grudge), freezing emotionally and shutting down (this won't help you work out your issues), running away from arguments and issues (this will make those issues build and build until they explode).
Things to do: solve the issue and then let it go, deal with the problem itself instead of attacking the other person (asking your partner to help out around the house, instead of calling him lazy), use humor to dissolve the tension (obviously there's a right time for everything and humor isn't always appropriate, but often it can be a good way to calm both of you down to tackle the problem more constructively).
Never threaten to break up as a knee-jerk response to a fight. If your partner threatens you this way, wait until a calmer moment to remind him that this damages the trust you share.
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Recognize the signs of falling in love. There's no tried and true way to know you're in love. People often say you'll just "know" if you're in love, but there are some things that indicate you're heading in that direction, if not already there.
You can spend quiet time together. This means that you both don't feel the need to fill the silence, and that you're comfortable with one another so that silence doesn't end up feeling awkward. You can enjoy the presence of one another without the need to constantly interact.
You find her quirks cute, not annoying. If you find it adorable when your partner snorts while laughing, or always has to sleep on the side of the bed closest to the wall, you're probably falling in love with her.
Another sign is that you're excited to introduce your partner to your family and friends. It shows that she is important to you.
You're comfortable being yourself with her. This is a big one, because it means that you feel that you're the best version of yourself with her and that you don't feel like you're inadequate (even if you don't look perfect and attractive 100% of the time).
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Have an honest discussion. Talk about your feelings with him and see what he is feeling. Communication is key to maintaining a relationship.
Don't just assume your lover knows you love him — say it. It can be important to cementing that feeling for both of you. It can settle nerves and calm any lingering fears. Most importantly, it gives both of you the certainty that comes with clearly stating your feelings.
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Keep it fresh.[13] Routine is great and getting comfortable with your partner is also great, but you don't want to to get stuck in a rut. Keeping the relationship fresh is a great way to keep you both interested and invested in making it work.
Have a date night. You both can get busy with work and worries (even kids) and forget to take time for yourselves. Suddenly the two of you are more like roommates who never see each another than people in a romantic relationship. Your date can be simple as snuggling on the couch with a movie and popcorn, or it can be going somewhere like a restaurant or nightclub.
Try new things. Don't just go to the same restaurant every date night. Try out things you both might enjoy like going skydiving, laser tag, or taking a cooking class together. Laughing at your mistakes and figuring out new skills can help bring you together and spice things up by taking you out of your comfort zone.
Do little favors for your partner like mending his favorite shirt. Do things so that he won't have to, like washing the dishes after he has made dinner. A smile when you come in from a long day at work, a sweet hug and kiss hello, a quick "I love you," when you are leaving — all these things let him know that you're thinking of him.
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Truly appreciate the other person.[14] Appreciation is a huge part of a relationship. Feeling gratitude for the other person and telling her that you are grateful for her presence will strengthen and deepen your relationship.
You can even do it in small ways. Thank her for cooking you a meal (even if it's a simple one), or being the one you can talk to.
Do an appreciative gesture. If there's something she's had her eye on (flowers, a book, a new teapot), you can buy it and tell her that you love and appreciate all the times she's been there for you. Remember that you don't need to buy something for it to be special; you can pick wildflowers for her or write her a thoughtful card.
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Tips
Don't just fall for someone because he/she is nice to you or spends huge lots of bucks over you, but because he/she shows love such as being respectful, trusting, and encouraging.
Love is scary! Opening yourself and being this transparent and vulnerable with someone can scare both of you into behaving in some pretty defensive ways at times. Be patient and kind with one another, and try to remember that if you have been hurt in the past, it was not this person who hurt you. Let the past go and live in the moment with this new love.
Don't badmouth your partner. It's okay to vent to a trusted friend when you are frustrated, but don't say negative things behind your partner's back.
Respect one another. Don't resort to calling names when you're angry. Realize that frustration can make you behave in desperation. Instead, if you really are that angry, when you find yourself ready to hurl something or call him or her a name, say, "I'm so angry and frustrated right now that I don't think we should talk for a few minutes. I'm not walking out on you or the discussion, but I need a few minutes to clear my head. I would like to take a walk/go home and call you later/sleep on it and talk tomorrow."
Warnings
Being in love can give you the greatest pleasure, and also cause you the most pain.
Being in love does not confer ownership of anyone to you. Being overly possessive is not healthy, and will kill your partner's love for you. Trust him or her enough to believe in his or her love for you. Possessiveness and jealousy are scary.
Like physical attraction, someone's wealth is also a bad value to cherish. Money can vanish in the blink of an eye. For a lasting relationship, don't attach value to a person's earning potential, provided they're able to afford life's necessities.
Even the most promising love affairs sometimes end. If, for whatever reason, your love affair has ended, nurse your wounds, learn what you can, and heal your heart. Don't be afraid to love again. It hurts sometimes, but when it works, it's amazing