I love you, but I love me more. 

We separated 8 months ago.

Since then you've not broken my heart once but more times than I can count. I was sick before we met but I shut it out because I didn't want what we had to end. The love of my life. I just got more sick and couldn't ignore it any longer. The Dr.'s said, "There's nothing wrong with you... It's all in your head." He stayed by my side trying to understand, but never really. Months went by and finally a diagnosis. Thyroid cancer and an autoimmune disease that left me in deep up and down bouts of depression and anxiety. You still loved me, but didn't understand. You couldn't. 

Surgery was scheduled and my self esteem was gone. I was no longer the woman he had met 11 months ago. Surgery went well and the cancer was removed, but I still felt off and it was more about the off between me and you. You didn't understand. I could feel the distance and the sex was more forced. I felt used and not loved. You became distant and I was latching on. Slowly my self esteem started to come back. I was feeling like I had a chance to live again. Blood results were in and my TH levels were normaling out. I came to you with this good news, but you were already gone by that point. After that you distanced yourself more and more. Finally I couldn't take it anymore. It took three days but you finally blurted out that you no longer loved me anymore, which was a lie no doubt. 

You left me and a month passed. You returned with regrets and a laundry list of your recent sexual conquests. I forgave you. But you ran away again only to go to a woman who was bold and promiscuous but no taste for commitment. I let you go. You returned again. I forgave you once again. I thought this is it we can forgive and forget but I soon learned that he still wasn't mine yet. I had to let you go again. 

I let you go and run away to a girl with horrible taste, but you come to me and say you don't settle so that I can stay. I say to myself I don't need this anymore, but whats a girl to do when she loves him more? So I sit here and ponder what has happened in the last year and half , but I never feel any different just more depressed. He loves me, but won't commit to me in a healthy way. Half of me wants to move on but half of me wants to stay.