Ban gaya tu kuyn waja…Bewaja

Sometimes i wish I hadn’t seen your face. I regret that moment but I can’t take it back, I can’t reverse life. I wish it never occurred to me that you existed. Even if i knew at the back of my mind, my un-concious mind but still you didn’t come across me. I wish this would have never happened.

But if it hadn’t happen, I wouldn’t be here, where I am today. I have come this far, so far, hopefully i can make it through. 

But these thoughts of you being there but in reality not being there kill me, drag me through hell. When i look for your face in many faces that come across me, when i look for you on the streets and restaurants, in cars and on roads, a shiver of helplessness passes through my body making me feel as if im losing it all. I stop myself from looking around so that no one can see the drowning hope in my eyes. That no one can see that i might be going crazy. I act all normal as if nothing is bothering me so that no one notices and I won’t have to answer but that facade drops right in that moment when I stand infront of Allah to pray. Whom am I hiding it from? From you? From myself? Or from Allah?

  
Who knows all, who knows it all, all my pains, all my suffering, all of my heartache, in that moment when i put my head down and bend my knees to kneel and to prostrate infront of him, right in that moment  at that instant the pain goes away, it all goes away even if it is for that moment my heart feels lighter as if he has taken off all the burden from shoulders telling me to relax. Putting my head on the ground telling him i need him assures me from the depth of my heart vouching for him that all will be taken care of. 

  
In that time i know that its all worth it, seeing you was worth it, thinking about you is worth it, suffering and going through this pain is worth it, because if its makes me put my head on the ground again and again to remember Allah than it totally worth it.