It’s hard to explain Danny Dyer to an American audience, but I’ll try. Think Steve Austin or Steven Seagal only he can’t fight. Danny Dyer is a stalwart of British gangster thrillers. He did THE BUSINESS with director Nick Love, kennelled himself with Noel Clarke in DOGHOUSE. He was a DEAD MAN RUNNING. DVD after a night out with the lads and he’s your man. But Dyer can only take the roles offered to him. He gets a fair amount of stick from the British critical establishment, who suggest he sounds like a weasel pleading for his life. So what must he thought when his agent said he was up for the British revenge thriller, VENDETTA? Your man Larry was a fly on the wall, well, sort of. [By the way I have no idea who represents Mr Dyer. I’ve used a pseudonym to protect the guilty.]

DD: Thanks for the bell, Sid. What’cha got?

SID: Daniel Darling, you know Julian Fellowes?

DD: I got a part on DOWNTON?

SID: No, he says hello.

DD: Really?

SID: Well, he coughed when I said your name – practically the same thing.

DD: What about Nick Love? He should have ‘ad me for SWEENEY.

SID: I’m afraid he’s still not returning my calls, but then I do owe him.

DD: Are you putting me about?

SID: I’m not your pimp, if that’s what you mean.

DD: Thing is, I want to do something with Judi Dench. Her films always get nominated for awards, BEST EXOTIC MARIGOLD WASHING UP GLOVES and that. Could I play her long lost son?

SID: Well, she is making the film PHILOMENA with Frears-y. I’m not sure that’s the sort of son you want to play.

DD: Why’s that?

SID: You want me to spoil the surprise?

DD: What about those ensemble British comedies that Richard Curtis makes?

SID: ABOUT TIME?

DD: About time, yeah, that’s what I was thinking.

SID: Well his leading men tend to be hesitant in a charismatic way. With you, I fear audiences think you’ll do them over.

DD: Nah, nah, you got me all wrong. I can do that stumbly, bumble-y stuff.

SID: Yes, when you’re holding a blunt instrument, not when you’re facing Rachel McAdams.

DD: Opinions differ. What about a Victorian crime drama?

SID: Plenty in television.

DD: I don’t wanna do TV, except DOWNTON a course. But most of it is tying David Tennant’s shoelaces. Next you’ll say I’ve been offered CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER.

SID: You wish.

DD: Come again?

SID: Go fish. Anyway, I have got a script for you.

DD: What is it?

SID: A revenge drama.

DD: Blimey, I’ve done enough of those. You saw OUTLAW.

SID: Sadly yes.

DD: Some critics quite liked it.

SID: Bereft of senses.

DD: Sorry?

SID: Moving on, this script – VENDETTA.

DD: Not another gangland thriller!

SID: Actually, no. Your part is that of a Special Forces officer.

DD: Special Forces? They thought of me?

SID: Not immediately. Jason Statham was busy with HUMMINGBIRD. He also thought the role was too similar.

DD: I’m – intrigued – if that is such a word.

SID: Did I say Sean Bean passed on it and David Tennant –

DD: He’s totally wrong for it.

SID: He wasn’t even considered.

DD: I can bulk up.

SID: Sorry?

DD: Two curries a night. Extra naan. Why is it called VENDETTA?

SID: I’m not sure. Maybe they confused it with a brand of ice cream – Viennetta.

DD: You’ve lost me, but in a good way.

SID: So you return from Afghanistan only to discover your mum and dad have been murdered and you want revenge.

DD: Sid, you’re breaking me up? I mean who would do such a thing?

SID: Some drug fuelled youths humiliated by your old man, a cabbie.

DD: My old man is Travis Bickle? That’s brilliant.

SID: No, he’s more a have a go hero.

DD: Wouldn’t the police put him in protective custody?

SID: No, otherwise there would be no story.

DD: So what happens?

SID: So the youths break into your parents’ house. They have your mum. They stick a knife to your dad. Then they burn them alive.

DD: And the neighbourhood watch does what exactly?

SID: No neighbourhood watch. People are scared.

DD: Of some drug fuelled muppets?

SID: Yes.

DD: How do they know to be scared? I mean the police must be onto them.

SID: They’re not.

DD: You’re pooping me.

SID: No, the police don’t do anything. That’s where you come in.

DD: So there’s a like social commentary to this movie.

SID: Yes.

DD: Don’t answer the door after nightfall.

SID: It’s more the youth are out of control. Your character doesn’t know why he is defending a country that’s rotting on the inside but wants to punish those who thought they could get away with it.

DD: Is there a subplot?

SID: Yes, your character gets back with his wife.

DD: Is there like physical intimacy.

SID: The script says it is fully clothed.

DD: So the director respects women?

SID: No, there is nudity, but only women with loose morals are shown with their tops off. It’s a sort of intriguing double standard.

DD: But he gets some.

SID: Oh, yes, otherwise the SE7EN-like ending wouldn’t make any sense.

DD: SE7EN?

SID: More like ONE AND A HALF.

DD: So how do I take my revenge? Presumably I round them all up and do them in one fell swoop.

SID: No.

DD: No?

SID: You get them one at a time, killing them off in dramatically interesting ways.

DD: Like SE7EN?

SID: More like ONE AND A HALF.

DD: You said that already.

SID: Indeed.

DD: But by doing so, he maximises the chance of being caught.

SID: Well, otherwise darling there would no movie.

DD: But I’m like a serial killer. That’s not good is it? Unless I play it with a posh accent!

SID: You don’t want to go there.

DD: What.

SID: Chelsea.

DD: That’s right. I’m a Lion [Millwall Football Club fan].

SID: There’s a cop who is after you. But then the military step in.

DD: Hang about.

SID: Your character is a man with very special talents.

DD: That doesn’t sound like me.

SID: Exactly.

DD: But I’m intrigued. If I’m going to do a straight to DVD film, I may as well do one where I show my six-pack – well, hairy chest – and seem like I mean business.

SID: So long as you don’t mean box office business. That would be unexpected.

DD: I could answer my critics, especially that Mark Kermode.

SID: He’s not going to be there.

DD: What?

SID: At the Q and A session organised by the Film Distributors Association next year [2013], he won’t turn up.

DD: So I won’t answer my critics.

SID: The critics will get sandwiches instead.

DD: This could be a turning point for me. I could meet Royalty.

SID: Something about a Queen Vic.

DD: Isn’t that a cake?

VENDETTA was screened to critics on Sunday 24 November 2013 at Vue Piccadilly (15:00). Danny Dyer didn’t turn up for a Q and A – can’t say I blame him