31 January
The end of the month and I had a wizard wheeze of an article idea [film franchises and transfer deadline day]. It curdled as I wrote it. Kumar and Lady O settled down in front of TRANSPORTER 2. I looked in on it briefly, expecting Jason Statham to turn into a car. Wrong franchise! Both Lady O and young Kumar retired early. In French, we had a substitute teacher who was rather stern and didn’t much care for my butchery of her language.
30 January
I promised Kumar I would let him see MOVIE 43 and see it (at Cineworld Wood Green) he did. So alas did I! If you want my opinion, I could give you forty three reasons not to buy a ticket. But Kumar? How he laughed. Afterwards, I tried not to dilute his enjoyment by keeping my opinion to myself. I bit my tongue, which was a curious thing to do since we had food at home. Kumar of course sensed my disapproval. After supper, I wrote my feelings up. Arsenal drew 2-2 at home (the Emirates) to Liverpool.
29 January
Didst thou see the Jabberwock? Come to my arms, my beamish boy. No, I didn’t see anything as I attended Kumar’s school evening with Lady O. Broadly good reports for the young lad, but he does need to work on his paragraphing and word spacing. It would be a shame if these things let him down. Oh frabcious day. Kalloo, kallay. We didn’t particularly chortle on the W5 back home. (Lady O’s knees hurt.)
28 January
A thoroughly unmemorable Monday ended with the last in the present series of MIRANDA. I stayed in my room writing a piece on ARGO verses FLIGHT. Lady O and Kumar guffawed (at MIRANDA and MRS BROWN’S BOYS, not my piece.)
27 January
The Oliver clan (or should that be Olivarti) gathered for sushi and snacks at Middle Oliver’s residence. Oliver the elder craned over a mini TV screen attempting to watch Chelsea on ESPN. Middle Oliver’s cat retreated to his son’s room. There he remained fearful of company or classical music. At such family gatherings I had a little tipple and slipped away – better than yelling, I suppose. Kumar had a good time.
26 January
Rain thudded down to melt the snow, a respite for our British winter. In spite of some high-profile new releases (LINCOLN, ZERO DARK THIRTY and MOVIE 43), the Oliver household trotted down to the local Cineworld (AMC equivalent, without the legroom, ‘entertainment preview reel’ and decent trailers) to catch up with LIFE OF PI in 3D. First off, I can confirm that the 3D works. Fish fly close to you, though at no point did I feel like I was going to be squashed by a whale. However, although the film is impressive visually – at various points, Pi (Suraj Sharma) and the computer-generated tiger seemed to be floating in space, the flat sea water reflecting the stars above – I DIDN’T FEEL ANYTHING.
Here’s the thing, to borrow a phrase from another film reviewer. The story is sold as an astonishing turn of events about a seventeen year old boy’s unlikely ability to tame a tiger – or at least prevent it from killing him – in the confined space of a lifeboat. It is a story that is supposed to make us believe in God. When Pi says ‘Richard Parker [the tiger, who should have been called Thirsty – never mind] saved me’, I didn’t believe it. Fear of the tiger is supposed to distract him from giving up hope. Now, very early on, there is one of the biggest continuity error howlers that I have ever seen in a movie. To demonstrate that Richard Parker is a predator, Pi’s father ties a goat to the metal gate of Richard Parker’s cage. Richard Parker, the tiger, is on the other side. Pi’s father backs away. The tiger walks towards the bleating goat and claws at him. But then, somehow, the whole goat is on the other side on the gate, on the tiger’s side, so he can finish the kill. Now, I know Pi is telling the story, but if you want to believe in it, you have to make the realistic stuff halfway credible. At this point, I sighed in frustration.
Then there is the key shipwreck scene. Pi and his family are travelling from a politically-turbulent India to Canada via the Philippines, with their menagerie – the stock of the family zoo – in storage. Rain lashes the boat. Waves turn it into a bucking bronco. Pi just wants to see the lightning, to have his ‘King of the World’ moment, minus Kate Winslet (a TITANIC reference, just to explain myself, sorry for being obvious). Then he witnesses the crew leaving his family behind. No attempt is made to save them. He tries to get to their cabin, but the lower decks are flooded. I did not believe the crew would not try to save the family and would all drown, even the Buddhist crew member, who like Pi is a vegetarian. At no point does Pi blame himself for their deaths, or the crew, when he speaks to insurance investigators. There is a storytelling reason for this: perhaps he did not share a lifeboat with a tiger, a zebra, an orang utan and a hyena but the cook, his mother and two others. But we are supposed to not want to believe that men could turn bestial. Rather we are supposed to accept that a certain accommodation can be made between humans and animals, both being true to their own nature. As Pi’s father explains, tigers are not human even though we think we see humanity in their eyes; that is just our humanity reflected back at us.
So, in the final analysis, this is not a story to make you believe in God; at least, it’s a story that makes you want to believe in THE TIGER WHO CAME TO TEA (I kept thinking of that children’s book as I watched it). A hollow experience; definitely not ‘Best Picture’ material!
Still, Lady O enjoyed it. Kumar found it over-long. We repaired to the Devonshire House in Crouch End for a late pub lunch. Kumar, who had a cough, was denied ice cream sundae! Sad eyes all round.
Arsenal succeeded in progressing to the fifth round of the FA Cup, away at Brighton winning 3-2. Olivier Giroud scored twice. Theo Walcott was credited with the winner, which deflected off a Brighton player.
In the evening Kumar and Lady O watched SHERLOCK HOLMES: A GAME OF SHADOWS on cable. I went to Chelsea and Fulham Road but was disappointed by their movie selections. Still, welcome exercise. Rain resumed.
25 January
Lady O, Kumar (our adopted cameraman and all-round lover of the oeuvre of Akiva Schaffer) and I settled down on our wounded blue sofa to watch the 2012 Aardman Animation release, THE PIRATES IN AN ADVENTURE WITH SCIENTISTS. I was expecting a transformative vocal turn from Hugh Grant as the Pirate Captain but he ‘umm-ed’ and ‘ahh-ed’ like the hesitator-par-excellence that he is. I’m not sure what Salma Hayek was doing in the vocal cast – such a small role (as Cutlass Liz) and I barely recognised her. (Was that a Barbadian accent she put on?) Jeremy Piven (as Black Bellamy) also had a criminally small role. Not that I like Mr Piven – please don’t see him in SO UNDERCOVER, the film is sooo amateurish – but if you are going to put American stars in the movie, GIVE THEM SOMETHING TO DO. (Apologies for shouting, it seems the piratical thing to do.) The film is decidedly small scale. The Pirate Captain wants to win a prize, any prize! When ‘Pirate of the Year’ seems beyond his grasp – where does he get the ham from for ‘ham nite’ and why is it spelt the American way? – he realises that he can win scientist of the year thanks to his pet dodo, identified as such by one Charles Darwin (David Tennant). Queen Victoria (Imelda Staunton) is happy to bestow on him the honour (in spite of Darwin trying to steal the bird and claim it as his own) but she WANTS THE BIRD. Wants it, she does! (Oh dear, I’m come over all Gollum.) She appeals to the Pirate Captain’s vanity. So the Pirate Captain is just on the verge, with his improbable sack of booty, of winning ‘Pirate of the Year’ when he is outed. The Queen pardoned him. He cannot be a Pirate. No prize, no hat and coat, but he keeps his ship. Bereft of his crew, he has one shot of redemption. Does he get it? The boys and girls will tell you.
Those animators at Aardman have humour in the tips of their fingers. You laugh, especially when Darwin’s cunning monkey sidekick (who communicates through speech paddles) is on screen. The transformation of Queen Victoria into a sword-wielding Red, White and Blue Sonja, is a nice touch, only there isn’t a classic swordfight. Some of the jokes are targeted at adults, notably a cameo from John Merrick, a.k.a the Elephant Man. I would say to those who know it as PIRATES: BAND OF MISFITS that it is a good rental. The middle act could have had a few more plot twists (involving Liz and Bellamy) but the Oliver household enjoyed it.
I did not enjoy the first episode of THE FOLLOWING with Kevin Bacon taking a break from his UK EE adverts to track down a serial killer and his followers. Formulaic in the extreme, it lacked a moment where Bacon’s character, Ryan Hardy, defined himself as a real game changer. He plodded through the show, sipping vodka from a water bottle. He could have learned something from his wife Kyra Sedgwick in THE CLOSER. (Thank you for remembering the name of that show, Kumar.)
24 January
Kumar does his maths homework, answering the sum 180 - 42. He is asked to show his working. He writes: ‘Larry told me the answer.’
Much laughter from the lounge as Kumar watches two episodes of HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER (other sitcoms are available). He runs in as I write the blog to complain about E4 Slackers Club only admitting the over 16s. This means nothing to my American readers who are of course used to using fake I.D.s.
Although offered a ticket for the Tom Shadyac documentary I AM, screening at the Empire Leicester Square, I opt for a quiet night in, save for Kumar’s eruptions.
In French we discuss interior furnishings ‘ancien meuble’ and the like. It is a wonder I can stay awake.
23 January
At the screening of HITCHCOCK at the Charlotte Street Hotel (nice pencils), I sign an embargo form, that forbids me from blogging, tweeting or reviewing the film in advance. This did not stop me relating my verdict to Lady O, with who I am now on tea-making terms. ‘What, it’s the portrait of a marriage rather than a good ‘making of’ movie?’ she asked. I could not possibly comment. ‘You mean, James D’Arcy is a good Anthony Perkins lookalike but he is only in a couple of scenes?’ I could of course review the whole film in a series of rhetorical questions and unattributed quotes but that would not be right.
Kumar asks if it is worth seeing. I answer.
Mixed fortunes in sport. Andrew Murray cruises through to the semi-finals of the Australian Open. England once more is beaten by India in the cricket (One Day International). Arsenal score five times against West Ham against one goal in reply – even Giroud nets. In the second leg of the Capital One Cup semi final – other banks and competitions are available – Eden Hazard kicks at a ball boy lying flat on the ball and earns a red card. The match ends 10 man Chelsea-nil, Swansea (home side) nil. Swansea Town, two-nil to the good from the first leg, progresses to the final where they face Brighton. Merchandise is involved.
22 January
I am bumped from Thursday’s screening of STOKER to one on 5 February. Well, I volunteer to give up my seat which is the right thing to do. I use a computer at a local library and experience a slow connection – ages to open e-mails. My buzz score on Film Annex is ‘19’. (Thank you, reader!) Kumar misses school owing to an upset stomach. Normally, the rest of him is upset and his stomach is fine. Lady O speaks to me again, conveying her feelings through the swing of an empty mug. Domestic bliss is restored. Kumar and Lady O watch MY BIG FAT GREEK ONE OFF-NOVELTY HIT, featuring Nia Vardalos and some healthy Greek ethnic stereotypes. Kumar raves about the trailer for MOVIE 43.
21 January
I am supposed to see CAESAR MUST DIE but end up at the wrong preview theatre (Soho Screening Room). This is a mistake that a good diary could rectify. I let you judge whether this is a good diary. The kind publicist from Havoc Publicity lets me see the British flick ALL THINGS TO ALL MEN, bankrolled by Toni of ‘Toni & Guy’ fame (suite of salons, hair products, etc). I wish I could tell you what I thought of the film but I am forbidden by ‘embargo’ from tweeting or reviewing it. (Before today, I thought embargo was an Argentine warship or a film by the Coen Brothers.) Instead, I shall simply say that Rufus Sewell is in it. There is a car chase involving Toby Stephens and Julian Sands. Gabriel Byrne plays ‘The Merchant’. At one point, we see a private bank. You may know the location as the back end of Lillywhite’s. (Is there a sale on?) I am very grateful but send my true thoughts to the publicist, which I cannot share with you, gentle readers. The film opens on 1 March.
MIRANDA is slightly funnier than last week. Thank goodness for 84 minute movies, I can get back in time for the show. Kumar spends another day as Darth Vader. He complains about my heavy breathing – well, I climbed two flights of stairs. Lady O communicates through a dwindling jar of Quality Street. I, of course, do not get one.
20 January
Chelsea beat Arsenal 2-1. Theo Walcott scored a cracking goal in the second half after Arsenal conceded two goals in the first, but it is not enough to inspire the team to a late flourish. ‘Arsenal score more times in the last ten minutes than any other team in the Barclays Premier League.’ Yes, Mr Commentator, put the mockers on it!
Kumar spends the day in his Darth Vader outfit – that is, his pyjamas. Lady O gives me the silent treatment, which she hopes to turn into a silent movie. I launder, shop, cook, iron, shop, edit and cook. No nap. Arnold Schwarzenegger is on LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON. He humourlessly talks himself into a $7 million opening weekend with THE LAST STAND, belatedly sold as a comedy (when it didn’t work as an action movie).
The In Amenas hostagee situation ends badly. Many are killed.
19 January
Reader, we made it. I raise my ancient frame at 4:00am. Kumar 30 minutes later. As for the short amount time he spent in the bathroom, it was practically unheard. Of course, watching a teenager in fast motion (in the bathroom) is like watching a regular person in normal motion. Kumar has his toasted Nutella (a rare delicacy – normally he burns it) and a gulp of apple juice (one of his five-a-month; he don’t dig on the green stuff) and we head out into the snow with nothing but a backpack, a Flip camera, a packed lunch, spare batteries and a copy of Ian McEwan’s ENDURING LOVE for company. We walk to Finsbury Park, ice sludged beneath our feet. We catch a 29 bus to Holloway, then a 259 bus to King’s Cross. I attempt to procure for Kumar a plastic sandwich – sorry, Double Sausage and egg McNothing. Success, at the second of two golden-arched worm magnets in the Regal X area! After I have my coffee – the most important meal of the day – we wait at passport control, where in front of a man of African appearance is prevented from catching the train and makes his case with words and gesticulation – but probably has a fake passport. As nothing happens, slowly, Kumar and I slip into another queue with an anxious American woman who is, well, anxious! When we get on the train we find ourselves in a first class carriage without catering – a treat! (Kumar does not like the catering.)
The journey to Paris is uneventful. Kumar reads three chapters of his book. I attempt to charge the battery in my digital radio. (I’m missing the cricket – England Verses India, the third One Day International – SPOILER ALERT, England lose.) We arrive a little after Ten O’Clock, local time, at the Gare Du Nord, known to locals as a good place to bother tourists. We head south-south west to Les Halles, where we make it to the UGC Cine Cite at 10:50. I accidentally give the ticket office man a fifty euro note instead of a ten euro one – I am very old, and we’re not in the Euro. He returns it to me and I give him the right note. Then he almost gives me too much change by two euro which I return to him in my best French.
So Kumar finally sees DJANGO UNCHAINED and I see FOXFIRE, CONFESSIONS D’UN GANG DE FILLES. If you want to know what Kumar thought of the film, he said A-minus. The film’s challenging target is an A (you have to take GCSEs to understand that one; come on – they’re not hard) but it fails owing to a slack middle. ‘It was really good,’ explained Kumar as I amassed barbecue sauce on my moustache over lunch. ‘There was something that I wanted to happen and it happened.’ ‘That’s just predictable storytelling,’ I think to myself. And to think Tarantino’s up for an Oscar.
Kumar films me running around Paris misquoting lyrics for LES MISERABLES – badly. The highlight is when a rush of wind through a ventilation grill blows up my quote, but I’m no Marilyn. Indeed, I am not.
I procure for Kumar 1.5 litres of Fanta, which ends up having a role in our little visual entertainment – well, you have to work with what you’ve got. That’s what Kumar tells me. We just about make the train. No time for souvenirs, though we did try. The journey back lasts almost four hours. We are given small cartons of water and packets of Tyrell’s crisps for our inconvenience.
18 January
Preparations are under way for Kumar’s trip to Paris, where he can avail himself of the 12-rated film that is DJANGO UNCHAINED. But is an early night in prospect. Not for young Kumar. No, he wants to see THE GREY on dish TV, about the peculiar habits of a pack of wolves. Do they kill a bunch of survivors from a plane crash straight away? No, they dawdle – nice word, dawdle – picking off the cast list one at a time. ‘Oh, look,’ says Lady O, ‘That’s Dermot Mulroney.’ Neither Kumar nor I believe her, but she turns out to have excellent recognition facilities. As for that Liam Neeson, he has a particular set of skills for determining the alpha male in the pack (he does a bit more a-whoo-ing than the others – I’ll say). It ends with Liam facing a company of wolves. Who’s gonna win? Cut to black. Kumar retires to his hammock - well, a bed with a trailing duvet - at 11:00pm. I’m not confident he will get up at 4:30 in the morning. And what about the snow - will it put a stop to Eurostar? Suspense!
17 January
Kumar has just watched HOT ROD, what he calls an old movie, starring Andy Samberg, most recently seen in CELESTE AND JESSE FOREVER. I was busy wrinkling my fingers – that’s doing the washing up to you! Kumar laughed heartily – or should that be ‘ha-ha’-tedly? I served him generic chicken and potato polygons – well, they tasted two-dimensional to me. (That’s one for all you maths students – polygons cannot be three dimensional.) Kumar reportedly that he did much better in his second Science paper (taken today) than his first.
My conversational French teacher kept me where she ate and drank during our lesson today. I was the only one who turned up. Was she sending me a message? Of course, she was – you could buy a very good vegetarian fish and chips and a pub called the Audley near the Connaught Hotel in Mayfair for ‘neuf libres’. I must look like I could use a kipper.
16 January
Invitations to see CAESAR MUST DIE (Taviani Brothers, 76 minutes) on Monday 21 January (thank you, Lizzie and Sue) and LOVE IS ALL THAT YOU NEED (Susanne Bier, 113 minutes) on Tuesday 5 February (ta very much, Ms. Jermyn). RSVP’d for both. BEYOND THE HILLS screened again but didn’t see it as Kumar needed supervision to revise for his second Science paper. This involves me saying ‘Kumar – revise!’ very loudly and with set features. Fortunately, I used a sense memory to muster a straight face – pity I did not think of it when I was doing Shakespeare. What I did to the role of MacDuff (Reading, 1994) was a tragedy in itself. Arsenal beat Swansea at the third time of asking 1-0 to progress, sheepishly, to the fourth round of the FA Cup. 26 shots on goal by the Cannoneers; the 86th strike by young Jack Wilshere was the only one that counted.
15 January
Ventured to Greenwich North to see I GIVE IT A YEAR at the white tarpaulin that is the O2. A film of 26 attempts at the laughter gut and three strikes: an uncomfortable threesome involving Anna Faris a male colleague and a female one who appears unexpectedly; the doves in the office scene; and, best of all, the digital picture frame that shows inappropriately intimate genitalia snaps to the main character’s parents-in-law. Otherwise, a very cynical non-rom-com. You don’t want the couple to last. Guess what? They don’t! Eight pounds and ninety minutes saved. NB: Why does Anna Faris look like she has an allergy in the movie?
I wasn’t given a card to invite a tweet that might appear on a poster by the Sky Movies greeter. Just as well: mine would be: I GIVE IT A WEEK. (Hashtag: Larry Oliver). England lost the second one day international by four wickets and 130 runs. Bell out for one. What a Bell-End, sorry, end for Bell.
14 January
Lady O laughed a lot during MIRANDA (‘clacker’) and MRS BROWN’S BOYS (the alien on Agnes’ back to scare her father). Why is Monday the stay-in night of the week? In America, theatres are dark.
13 January
Lady O, Kumar and I went to the senior citizen matinee of LES MISÉRABLES. You know the sort – you can wee in your seat. Well, they don’t advertise it, but people do it, you know. It begins with the song ‘Look Down’- well, you can’t get more miserable than that. The film musical looks down at the working classes, played by the ever-so-posh General Aladeen Cohen and Lady Helena Burton-Carter. (Actually, she is a very nice lady; a working mother!) Let’s not knock the cast. Russell ‘at my mark, unleash’ Crowe can sing: he could be in a David Bowie tribute band, much like Mr Bowie himself (‘66 years old/ Berlin has changed/ I could not get a curry dog/ in – my – day’). Hugh John Logan can wear a hat very nicely. Anne Catwoman still has a nice smile for a woman who lost her teeth. Eddie Redmayne has dimples – how young! I hear later that people at screenings are applauding the musical numbers. No, they are applauding themselves for keeping it in. A bottom-numbing 158 minutes passes slowly. Hollywood stars carry a tune, you carry urinary infection. We have hard-to- slice chicken burgers for lunch. No wonder my French Teacher is a vegetarian. Arsenal was beaten 2-0 at home by Manchester City. Still, at least it was just two goals and not a ritual humiliation.
12 January
Kumar opens a bank account at the South African Sanctions-buster that offers great LIBOR rates (fixed for several years, don’t tell the public – allegedly). QPR hold Tottenham to a goalless draw. Why does Dale Winton on IN IT TO WIN IT look like the villain from LAZY TOWN? I’ll send him to the red area – go on, melt it!
LAZY TOWN: aren't they in the Conference League?
Watch TEXAS KILLING FIELDS on Sky Movies. Grim!
11 January
I didn’t want to hear the review of WHAT RICHARD DID on Radio Four’s Front Row. I haven’t written my own.
10 January
Finally see SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK with Lady O whilst Kumar watches GANGSTER SQUAD (venue for both: Cineworld Shaftesbury Avenue). Altogether now: ‘Excelsior!’ Find your silver lining? I found a silver hair. The horror! We both enjoyed it. Chris Tucker was enjoyably annoying in his comeback – I’m too rich to work but there you go – movie. Over-ate pizza (two for one) at Pizza Trap!
First French lesson (leçon du Francais) of the nouvelle annee. Read a line spoken by an eight year old girl (‘I had nine crepes - nine!) very enthusiastically. Ah, acting!
9 January
Not on the list for CHEERFUL WEATHER FOR THE WEDDING at Empire Leicester Square – later find out the publicist wrote to me to cancel the invitation – but see it with a journalist who also isn’t on the list. He could have been watching THE LAST STAND. I could have been sleeping. Given a front row ticket that means ‘look up, look up, you’ll surely break your neck’. Not very pleasant. Lose a button from my coat which just popped out. Director Donald Rice told the audience how he peed on a pile of wood at his location, later discovering it was the family Wendy house. Heritage movies, eh? Other journalist finds a seat further back – I hope he made a brisk getaway. Offer of a drink at the bar afterwards was disingenuous. (What balance of £1,000?)
Kumar does not very well in his first Science GCSE.
8 January
Saw WHAT RICHARD DID – film of the year so far – at Wired, 76 Charlotte Street (thank you, young Jake).
7 January
BEYOND THE HILLS started late (at Wired, 76 Charlotte Street) without subtitles – and it was in Romanian! Screening abruptly halted. (Not young Jake’s fault.) Meet the producer of the SCREEN GODDESS documentary on BBC screened over the Christmas break. Given carte blanche, apparently – well, the movie clips were in black and white.
6 January
Arsenal draw 2-2 away at Swansea in the FA Cup and have to do it all again.
5 January
Kumar attends a late night screening of HOT FUZZ at Screen on the Green, Islington. Being dutiful – and unwilling to part cash to see a film we have on DVD – I wait for him in a nearby hostelry, Round Midnight, where a jazz quartet strikes beats until half past twelve then packs up to be paid in white envelopes. Spend a lot of time wondering about the gender of the sound engineer – who cares if it’s just good music. I make a pint of beer last not long enough. Coffee and a hasty trip to the loo follow.
4 January
Nothing film related happened to me today – I should make that a bumper sticker, for all the people who bump into me on public transport.
3 January
See GANGSTER SQUAD at O2 Greenwich. Front row seat next to the remains of a hot dog. Next to that, the remains a hot dog inside a strapping gentleman! Violent, but not too much so; very much like THE UNTOUCHABLES – no, not that film with Omar Sy and François Cluzot!
2 January
Receive invitation to see HITCHCOCK on 7 January – I decline as it clashes with BEYOND THE HILLS.
1 January
Happy New Year! No films.
