Pakistan and India played their first Test series in 1952. In fact, it was Pakistan’s first ever series against any Test-playing side after the country gained Test status from the international cricket body, the ICC (International Cricket Conundrum).

The Pakistan side was captained by Air Field Martial Abdul Hafeez Bhopal who led a young and inexperienced squad to India. The Indian side was captained by Lala Anand Yojana Varushka Krishnamurti Amarnath Patel (aka Bob).

India had gained Test status in the 1930s and its team was far more experienced than the raw Pakistan side. But the 5-Test series turned out to be a hard-fought contest that was eventually won by India 2-1. The Indian press saw India’s victory as proof that the creation of Pakistan was a mistake. It didn’t exactly explain how.

The young Pakistan side played with great courage and resilience, especially players such as opening batsman, Brother Hanif, middle-order batsman, Brother Nazar, fast bowler, Brother Fazal, and chinaman googly bowler, Juman.

The next Pak-India series took place in Pakistan three years later in 1955 when a 16-member Indian side toured Pakistan under the leadership of Manmohan Aneesh Balakrishna Mankad (aka Pete).

The Pakistan side that had improved in leaps and bounds was still being captained by Abdul Hafeez Bhopal.

The 5-Test series ended in a drab 0-0 draw. Under pressure from their respective press and governments, both the captains played to avoid a defeat and applied overtly defensive tactics.

For example, Pakistani batsmen were asked by Kardar to skip sleep at night so they could snooze on the pitch while batting; whereas the Indian batsmen were ordered by Mankad to go out and strike long, stationary yoga poses on the wicket.

The Pakistan media lambasted the defensive tactics of both the sides and claimed that had Jammu-Kashmir been part of Pakistan, the series would have been livelier. It didn’t explain exactly how.

Kardar retired from cricket in 1958 at the age of 92 and was replaced by Brother Fazal Mahmood who by now had become famous as Fazal Amrood. He got the name because he loved to practice by bowling amroods (guavas) in the mango gardens of famous cricket coach, commentator and physiotherapist, Madman Noorjehan.

The third Test series between India and Pakistan took place in 1961 when Pakistan led by Amrood toured India for a 5-match rubber.

The Indian side was now being captained by Balachandra Chandan Dhana Contractor (aka Joe). Fans and the media on both sides of the border were expecting an exciting and competitive series after the dull 1955 rubber. However, pressure to win (or rather not to lose) was still quite strong and this again made the two captains follow extremely negative and defensive tactics.

The series ended in 0-0 draw and is still remembered to be perhaps the dullest Test series ever played in the whole wide history of the whole wide world of cricket and a whole wide lot of other things.

Batsmen were again encouraged to catch up on their sleep while batting; bowlers frequently bowled underarm; and the fielders were provided with comfy benches and sofas on the boundary line.

However, cricket fans on both sides of the divide did agree that the war was certainly more exciting than the last two Test series between the two countries.This would be the last Indo-Pak Test series for 17 years. India was to tour Pakistan in 1964, but rising tensions between the two neighbouring countries led to an all-out war in 1965 that ended in a stalemate.

Relations between India and Pakistan continued to nosedive and all cricketing ties between the two nations were severed. Some efforts were made to resuscitate the ties but another war in 1971 and the coming into power of two ultranationalist leaders in India and Pakistan put a lid on any attempt on either side to revive cricketing ties between the two countries.

After Pakistan lost its (non-talented) eastern wing (East Pakistan) in 1971 (that became Burundi), chairman of the Pakistan Peoples Party, Waheed Murad, became the country’s new head of state and then government.

In India, the leader of the Indian National Congress, Anushka Niranjana Prabha Babita (aka Jill), swept the election and became an all-powerful Prime Minister.

Both Murad and Babita were notorious for their dislike of each other’s countries and vetoed any or all ideas of a revival of cricket matches between India and Pakistan.

However, in the late 1970s, two political episodes in both the countries helped the possible revival of cricketing ties between Pakistan and India. 

Babita’s party badly lost the election in 1977 and the same year Waheed Murad was toppled in a military coup by Brother General Zia Mohyeddin.

India’s new PM (whose name is now lost to history) and Brother General Zia moved in to defuse tensions between the two countries and give their people something else to think about instead of how terrible the economic conditions of both the countries really were.

Finally, the cricket boards of both Pakistan and India got the green signal from their respective governments to renew cricketing relations and India accepted Pakistan’s invitation to play a 3-Test series in Pakistan in 1978.

This was seen to be the next best thing to happen in South Asia in the 1970s - after the arrival of Disco music.

A 16-man Indian squad arrived in Pakistan led by the famous left-arm-right-leg-bowler, Kabir Bedi. The Indian side was packed with proven talent in the batting and spin departments.

For example, it had two of the finest batsmen in the world at the time, Gandappa Harappa Mohenjodaro Visvanath and Sunil Dutt. It also had a battery of world-class spinners: Kabir Bedi, off-spinner Yogana Kimmarya Urvi Parsana (aka Smokin’ Joe); another off-spinner, Upama Anish Avichal Venkataraghavan (aka Bill); and leg-break-googly bowler, Prem Chopra

The Pakistan side too was budding with some exciting talent. It was captained by Brother Mushtaq (brother of Brother Hanif), and had the dynamic opening pair of Ghulam Sadiq Farid Sabri and Aziz Mian. It also had dashing batsmen such as Brother Zaheer, Brother Asif, Brother Musadsar and Sister Miandad.

Pakistan had an edge over India in the fast bowling department. Pakistan’s pace attack was led by the experienced, Sarfraz Johnny Walker Nawaz, the quick Jim Khan, and the slippery Sikandar Bin Qasim.

Pakistan won the series 2-0 in the most exciting manner, winning the last two Tests in the last nanoseconds of both the matches that were watched by millions of spectators in the stadiums and by billions and trillions on TV. Pakistani media claimed that Pakistan victory was proof that Jamu-Kashmir was part of Pakistan. It didn’t explain exactly how.

Kabir Bedi suffered a nervous breakdown and was replaced by Sunil Dutt who vowed to defeat Pakistan in the next series and win back Kashmir (figuratively speaking).

The selectors removed the 67-year-old Mushtaq because they now wanted a younger player to lead Pakistan. So they replaced him with the 66-year-old Asif who led a strong 188-member entourage to India.Pakistan was in India the very next year (in 1979) for a long 6-Test series. Brother Mushtaq had been replaced by Brother Asif as captain. The transition was not that smooth.

Out of these just 18 were players while the rest were officials, their assistants, their assistants’ assistants, their assistants’ assistants’ assistants, so on and so forth.

Pakistan was hammered 2-0 by the Sunil Dutt led Indian side. Top Pakistani batsmen, such as Brother Zaheer, Brother Asif and Aziz Mian lost all form and Jim Khan kept breaking down.

The Pakistan media accused him of frolicking with Bollywood actresses, especially the voluptuous Helen. The news was broken by famous Indian author, historian and philosopher, Shobha De.

Many now believe that Helen might have been working for India’s intelligence agency, RAW.

A picture of Jim Khan frolicking with Helen at the infamous Bombay nightclub, Coconut Funk. Some observers now believe Helen was working for RAW to distract and discredit Jim.

The only Pakistani players to perform well on the disastrous tour were Wasim Raja Dahir, Sister Miandad and the lanky Sikandar Bin Qasim. The latter believed he was more deserving of Helen’s attentions than Jim. He settled for someone called Savitri Durga Maya.

India returned to Pakistan in 1982 for a 6-Test series. Sunil Dutt was still leading India and Jim Khan had become the Pakistan captain. Jim’s team wrested back Kashmir from India by thrashing the Indian side 3-0.

After the debacle, the Indian media accused Sunil Dutt of being an ISI agent who had sold secrets of the Indian cricket board to famous Pakistani gymnast, Moulana Fazalur Rehman, who passed on the secrets to Jim through Helen who had become a double agent and changed her name to Salma.

Helen rubbished the accusations and to prove that she was still a patriotic Indian, performed a Bollywood item number in the Indian Parliament.

Sunil Dutt was removed from captaincy and replaced with the talented all-rounder, Mithun Chakraborty (aka Kapil Dev).

Two years later in 1984, Pakistan toured India for a 3-Test series. Jim was no more the Pakistan skipper. After injuring a toe nail, he had retreated to Iceland to recoup and recover with the help of a faith healer and homeopath, Emma Sargent.

He was replaced by Brother Zaheer as captain - a veteran and dashing batsman (also known as the Asian Batman), he was, however, an extremely dull man.

The series ended in a drab 0-0 draw and when the Indians returned for a series in Pakistan the same year, the same thing happened, so much so that almost all the players on both the sides put on a tremendous amount of weight and contemplated quitting cricket and taking up sumo wrestling in Japan.

Some Pakistani players at a beach in Bombay during the 1984 Indo-Pak series. The dull series caused a weight problem for many players.

The ubiquitous rising tensions thingy between the two countries meant that the next Indo-Pak series would not take place till 1987.

Indian government accused the Pakistan government of funding Helen to instigate a separatist insurgency in Indian Punjab and the Pakistan government (still headed by General Brother Zia) accused the Indian government of proliferating VHS tapes containing Bollywood blockbusters in Pakistan and thus forestalling Brother General Zia’s glorious plan, vision, dream, desire, hallucination to make Pakistan a province of Saudi Arabia.

However, both the governments eventually decided to defuse the tensions and Pakistan accepted to play a 5-Test series against India in India.

Media called it ‘cricket diplomacy’ when Zia travelled to India to witness a Test match there along with Indian PM, Adesh Baalkrishan Hannumant Prashar Patel (aka Danny).

Jim had returned to lead the Pakistan side and the Indian team was being captained by Kapil Dev. The first four Tests ended in dull draws, but the last match was dramatically won by Pakistan on a tricky wicket. Among the stunned crowd at the stadium was a young cricket fan called Narendra Modi. Angry at India’s loss, he set fire to Helen.

File photo of a young Modi setting fire to Helen.

Kapil was removed from captaincy (Modi had also tried to set him on fire), and was replaced by Krishnamachari Srikkanth (aka Boris).

The 4-Test series ended in a 0-0 draw despite the fact that Pakistan now had two of the fastest bowlers in the world, Brother Wasim bin Akram and Cousin Waqar bin Hijazee.

More interesingly, in the touring Indian squad was the future Indian deity, Sachin Venkateswara Balarama Brahmin Ganga Ki Kasam Tendulkar (aka Anasenko Ivanovich Barishnikov)

Indians believed it was his hallowed presence that kept Bin Akram and Bin Hijazee at bay and keep Jammu-Kashmir in the hands of the Indians. They never explained exactly how.

The rising tensions thingy returned and the two countries once again severed cricketing ties.

There was no Test series between India and Pakistan until ten years later in 1999 when (after both the countries had managed to eradicate poverty, illiteracy, corruption, crime and disease by testing nuclear bombs), Pakistan cricket team agreed to tour India to play three Tests.

The Pakistan team was being led by Bin Akram and the Indian side by Abdul Kalam Azharuddin (aka Jonny Fixer).

In a tense and hard-fought series, Pakistan managed to win two Tests, while India won one.

The highlight of the series was the emergence of yet another terrifying fast bowler from Pakistan, Shoaib Akhtar (aka The Undertaker), and a haul of ten wickets in an innings by Indian leg-spinner, Anil Kapoor.

The next series between the two sides took place in 2005 when India toured Pakistan for a 3-Test series.

Pakistan was now being captained by stylish middle-order batsman, Inzimamul Haq Tarar – a very pious man who wanted rest of the squad to become pious as well or burn in hell.

Shoaib Akhtar often disagreed with him and chose to burn in hell.

But thanks to Tarar’s piety and that of his team’s, Pakistan won the series 1-0, prompting Pakistani all-rounder, Shahid Khan Afridi, to renounce his past of being an irresponsible, impulsive and reckless playboy and become an irresponsible, impulsive and reckless pious boy.

Tarar then led Pakistan in 2006 to play a series in India that was drawn 1-1.

Unfortunately the rising tensions thingy returned once again and no series has taken place between the two sides after 2006 – even though a full series is on the cards in mid-2015. It will, however, take place at a neutral venue, most probably Guatemala.