The 10 Reactions You'll Hear When People Finally See the New Star Wars
When people rush to see The Force Awakens in December, here are the 10 types of reactions that'll be filling up your Facebook feed for weeks:
The first wave of Star Wars press is going to be overwhelmingly positive, partly because every internet writer who manages to get into an advanced screening of the film is going to HAVE to make sure everyone knows this and compound their jealously by declaring the movie awesome. Plus we're all so desperate for a new GOOD Star Wars movie that it'll feel like eating any food after starving for decades.
Also, every one of your Facebook friends who sees it opening night is going to loudly declare that it's awesome because they have to let you know that they got an opening night ticket. No one's gonna be like "JUST SAW THE NEW STAR WARS AND HOLY SHIT IT WAS ALRIGHT!!!!!!"
Really? The 2015 sequel to one of the greatest film series of all-time isn't as instantly-beloved to you as the movie you watched 4700 times when you were an impressionable eight-year-old who loved everything? That definitely seems worth pointing out.
This person is under the misguided impression that liking Star Wars is somehow a quirky odd opinion that's unique to them, and they have to keep defending their love of it on Facebook even though literally everyone likes Star Wars and no one's blaming anyone for being excited about the new film.
At least one review of Star Wars with a super-dramatic title like "Why The New Star Wars Sucks and If You Like it You're a Fucking Idiot" is going to go viral, shared equally by people who didn't like the movie, people who did like the movie and disagree with the review, and people on Facebook saying "I actually liked the movie but this review is pretty funny."
The review will point out some legitimate plotholes and a bunch of minor mistakes that you could point out in almost any big fun action movie, and will include lots of swearing. This WILL happen.
People rail against "thinkpieces" a lot, and obviously there's a lot of dumb ones, but the idea of using a major pop-culture event as a springboard to discuss deeper underlying societal issues isn't totally misguided, and often they're well-written and even complimentary towards the film.
But with an event as big as Star Wars, where you KNOW it's going to dominate the conversation, there are going to be a million thinkpieces about the film -- some of them positive, some negative, some almost entirely unrelated to anything the movie touches upon -- no matter WHAT is actually in the film. Some of them are going to make interesting points, and some of them are going to suck. But either way, it's going to be an extremely obligatory grind that's gonna fill up our newsfeeds til mid-February.
Yeah that's right! I haven't seen the new Star Wars movie and I don't care. And you know what? I haven't seen ANY of the Star Wars movies!! Yeah that's right! Can you BELIEVE that? I've willingly deprived myself of taking a few hours to glance at a cultural milestone that brings joy to people, and this a thing I'm apparently proud of! And to show you how much I TRULY don't care, I'm gonna keep declaring this!
Man, remember when movies were GOOD? Now everything's about the BOX OFFICE NUMBERS and VIRAL MARKETING and PRODUCT PLACEMENT and it's all a bunch of horseshit that you can't enjoy. Oh, you thought it was "fun"? Just another cog in the machine, dude.
I miss REAL movies like Jurassic Park and Jaws and the original Star Wars, which actually had no marketing and didn't attempt to make money and actually lost money probably.
This wasn't the best movie ever, but it was better than the film where the teen goes "I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere." Congrats J.J. Abrams on clearing the lowest bar imaginable!
Shut up already! I never could have anticipated that "STAR WARS" would be talked about a lot on the internet! STOP POSTING SHIT ABOUT IT! What the world needs instead is this post by me complaining about all the posts!
This will probably end up being the most accurate reaction but GOD HELP YOU if you don't have a more interesting opinion.
