The number of milestones you encounter in a relationship are numerous: The first date, the first kiss, the first time you have sex, the first time you spend the night at the other’s place, etc., so on and so forth. But perhaps nothing signals the presence of a true, meaningful relationship like hauling off and busting a fart in front of the other for the first time.
If you think about it, farting in front of your boyfriend or girlfriend is basically like saying I love you with your rectum. It expresses a level of comfort and familiarity that says, “I’m ready to take this relationship to the next level.”
Like Beyonce said: “If you like it then you shoulda passed some gas by it.”
In most cases, the first time you fart in front of your significant other is often an accident. Perhaps you’re laughing really hard and break a little wind. Maybe you’re coughing and mistakingly sound the butt trumpet. Either way, the second that thing leaves your hind quarters you’ve put yourself out there. Will she laugh? Call you gross? Ignore it and pretend like it never happened at all? All of those things could signal something different about your relationship.
For me, I knew it was true love the first time I farted in front of my wife. We were watching a movie and I could feel the pressure growing in my abdomen. You know that nervous feeling you get when you can’t decide whether to reach over and hold a girl’s hand for the first time? Or whether to lean in for that first kiss? For me, all the feelings were the same only this time it was whether or not I should honk the anal horn in front of her. So I figured “what the hell” and let it fly.
It wasn’t a short, quick fart like I expected, either. More a long, rumbling sucker that surprised me with its duration. Once done, we stared at each other in silence as I contemplated whether this first fart in front of her would be my last. And then it happened.
She farted back.
That’s right, like a couple of Brontosaurus mating calls, our butts were speaking the language of love. Three years later we would be married.
Think about this: when you’re evaluating how you feel about a person, you could go crazy trying to figure out where you stand. Ultimately, though, there’s only one question you need to ask yourself: Would I fart in front of this person? If the answer is yes, you’re in it for the long run. If the answer is no, why the hell would you continue? Can you imagine having to get up and go into the bathroom every time you needed to fart? I’d spend my entire relationship in there. And it has to go both ways, too. If you feel like your wife is too uptight, encourage her to fart more in front of you. It’ll do wonders for your relationship.
So just a few weeks before Valentine’s Day, my advice to you is to do something extra special for her this year. In lieu of flowers or candy, jewelry or lingerie, consider getting her the gift that keeps on giving: a big ole fart that says I love you. She’ll appreciate it more than you know and it won’t cost you anything.
Unless, of course, you shit yourself. Then not only could it cost you your relationship, but you’re probably out a couple bucks for a new pair of skivvies, too.
If you enjoyed this post then you’d love reading Jason’s book “You’ve Got to be Shitting Me: One Man’s Nine Funniest Poop Stories”
