“Do your little bit of good where you are; it’s those little bits of good put together that overwhelm the world.” ~Desmond Tutu
I was recently at the grocery store, and not once, but twice, I encountered couples practically duking it out in the aisles. I mean, full on snit-fits happening here. One pair was so mad, the woman actually walked in the opposite direction down the aisle, her five- or six-year-old in tow.
Totally productive, right?
The other pair was fighting because the husband couldn’t decide which milk to get. His wife was trying to hurry him up, and finally he said, in the most frustrated voice ever, “Can’t I take a minute to decide??” Needless to say, she got upset, while he stood in front of the milk case, fuming.
This is what frequently happens in grocery stores.
I used to drag my husband to the store with me on the weekends, thinking that it was some sort of household couple karma—I wash the dishes/you pay the bills; I do the laundry/you feed the dog every day; we both hit the grocery store once a week. One for one. Tit for tat. A leveling of the scales, and, if I’m honest, a somewhat misdirected homage to feminism in the household.
But what I found is that not every chore is equal, and that’s okay. What I feel to be a difficult chore may be easy for my husband, and what I find to be fun or at least tolerable, he would rather walk across hot coals than do. So it is with grocery shopping.
Every time we went together, it required hours of mental preparation:
“When do you want to go to the grocery store?” My mantra. Every weekend.
“Never.”
“That’s not an option. How about in an hour?”
“Fine,” said in a somewhat snarky twelve-year-old voice.
Every time, this conversation. And every time, an hour would come and go, and I’d be waiting around, ready to go, while he was sitting on pins and needles waiting for me to come and nag about it.
Not pretty. Not good for our relationship. So I decided if he really doesn’t want to go, then I really don’t want to make him.
The grocery store is already a high stimulus environment—BUY THIS! LOW FAT! NATURAL! HONEST! The shelves are practically screaming and my synapses are firing on full-blast as I try to navigate between product displays and random children.
I’m already apologizing to people every time I almost run someone over turning the corner; do I need to be feeling bad about dragging my husband along as well?
To be fair, we never actually had a full-on fight in (or about) the grocery store—thank goodness. But it was never an easy, comfortable time. There was always mutual resentment, and who needs that?
Not me. Not my husband. Not anyone.
Besides, when he’s not there, I get to linger. I spend time looking at the ingredient lists and nutrition labels. I come up with ideas, make plans, and buy special snacks. It becomes an adventure, not a chore.
Sometimes it isn’t about equality. Sometimes it’s about taking care of each other. I do what my husband doesn’t like to do, and vice versa, so that when we’re together, it’s about us, and not about how many chores the other person has completed.
There’s no scoreboard, only gratitude.
Divide and conquer. And save your marriage, relationship, friendship, or partnership. Serve the other by doing what they hate to do. Take out the trash. Go by the bank. Do the dishes.
It isn’t a favor to cash in at a later date (though it’s always nice when it’s reciprocated). It’s an honest-to-goodness foot-washing of the 21st century.
