Marriage is basically a more permanent form of dating: There are ebbs and flows, and distinct stages that will leave you laughing, crying, and wondering at times, “WTF did I get myself into?!” Hitched or planning to be one day? Here’s what’s in store for you…
The Honeymoon
Ah, isn’t life dreamy? Isn’t your life partner dreamy?! You develop a habit of dropping “we’s” into every conversation and immediately change your last name on your bank account/license/Starbucks order. Even if Ryan Gosling begged you to marry him instead, you’d be all like, “Ryan! I’m in love, okay? So step off!”
The “Perfect” Stage
You know what married life is like—you’ve seen The Cosby Show. You think your place needs to be spotless, a nutritious dinner needs to be cooked every night, and all of your interactions need to have sexual undertones. You can do this! Cliff and Claire have nothing on you!
The Big Joint Purchase
Holy crap, you’re buying a car together!!! This is what married life is all about—sharing life’s big experiences together, leather interior optional! You’re slightly stressed that he’s going to die suddenly, because you really don’t want to foot that bill on your own…and experience life without him, obviously.
The Smug Stage
As a married woman of about a year, you’re an expert on this stuff. People start to recognize your marital skills: Friends come to you for relationship advice and even your parents bow down to your greatness comment on how well things seem to be going. You’ve become an airbrushed Oprah version of yourself. You’re perfect. He’s perfect. Life is perfect.
The Couple-Friends Obsession
You’re married?! We’re married! We should be friends! You realize that, while it’s absolutely amazing and complete perfection to spend all of your time alone together, it’s kind of fun to have other people join in, too,provided they’re married. They just get it, you know?
The Jealous Stage
That cute intern at his work definitely has the hots for your man. And what about that waitress at your favorite restaurant? And the woman who delivers your mail? The way she said, “I have a package for you” was notinnocent. EVERYBODY IS TRYING TO SLEEP WITH YOUR HUSBAND!!!
The Reality Check
Um… why does he always leave his dirty boxers on the floor? Was he raised by wolves? And for f&*%’s sake, why does he scrape his teeth on his fork when he eats? Married life is completely and utterly perfect, but…while we’re at it, why are you always the one doing the laundry? Sure, you just did it in the beginning with a smile, but you never intended to shoulder that burden forever, okay?
The First Major Fight
It. Is. On. Someone is going to be sleeping on the couch tonight, and it’s not going to be you. You Google “signs it’s time to get a divorce” and take comfort in knowing that at least you’ve lasted longer than Kim Kardashian’s second marriage.
The Declaration of Independence
He’s sorry. You’re sorry. You didn’t mean to call him pretty much every name in the book (but damn your vocabulary is impressive! That’s got to come in handy at Scrabble). It’s obvious: You need “me” time. You start having girls’ nights once a month. It feels epic.
The First Big Decision
You’re offered a sweet job in another state; He wants to move closer to his parents. One of you is going to have to make a major sacrifice and there’s no right answer. Uh…
The Babymoon
You have a bun in the oven! No woman in the history of the world has ever experienced a pregnancy like this! The sun rises and falls over your swollen belly. You have a doting partner and a whole album of Facebook belly shots. You’re going to be the best parents ever.
The Freak Out
What the hell were you thinking? You have a baby, haven’t slept past 5:30 a.m. in nine months, and your sex batting average has dipped to embarrassing levels. Is this what you signed up for? Really?
The New Normal
It’s all good. Sure, the house is kind of a mess and you haven’t washed your hair in a few days. It’s okay. It’ll be okay. Remember when you used to talk about current events and the state of the global economy over a bottle of wine? Yeah…it’s cool.
The Comfort Zone
You had no freaking clue what you were talking about before. This is what married life is all about. You have a life partner who loves and accepts you, period underwear and all. It’s challenging, intense, and at times, not so amazing. But you know you chose the right person. Well done, you.
