The Emmy’s were on last night, or the night before I don’t know because I called in sick yesterday and now all my days are messed up. I went without cable for over a year because the dude I live with jimmied up an antennae to get free HD tv over the air and I am poor. Turns out my imagination is even poorer and so for months I just sat watching PBS. Things changed though, turns out the Colbert Report is now only available on via Cable and so the next day my magic box was back and basic things like paying other bills is out. The point is, my TV experience has expanded slightly and I feel qualified to speak on things for which I now a tiny smidgeon of experience with. Let’s start with the Emmys.

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series
Hugh Bonneville, Downton Abbey
Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad
Jeff Daniels, The Newsroom* - I have mixed feelings about this, who put Harry in the anchor chair?
Jon Hamm, Mad Men
Kevin Spacey, House of Cards
Damian Lewis, Homeland

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series
Connie Britton, Nashville
Claire Danes, Homeland – didn’t she already win last year when the show was good? She is a sexy big bird but Elisabeth Moss should have one, even if she did dump Fred Armisen.
Elisabeth Moss, Mad Men
Michelle Dockery, Downton Abbey
Vera Farmiga, Bates Motel
Kerry Washington, Scandal
Robin Wright, House of Cards – this chick should also have won because she is a Princess Bride and she had to bang Sean Penn.

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Miniseries or a Movie
Benedict Cumberbatch, Parade's End – bleh, I don’t get the world’s hump-on for this guy
Michael Douglas, Behind the Candelabra* - double creepy, old dudes and chandeliers.
Matt Damon, Behind the Candelabra
Toby Jones, The Girl
Al Pacino, Phil Spector

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Miniseries or a Movie
Jessica Lange, American Horror Story: Asylum
Laura Linney, The Big C: Hereafter* - Sure
Helen Mirren, Phil Spector
Elisabeth Moss, Top of the Lake
Sigourney Weaver, Political Animals

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series
Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
Jason Bateman, Arrested Development
Louis C.K., Louie
Don Cheadle, House of Lies – this is a really good porn
Matt LeBlanc, Episodes
Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory* - this show makes me understand how people can ignore science and believe in fairies and angels.

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series
Laura Dern, Enlightened
Lena Dunham, Girls
Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie
Tina Fey, 30 Rock
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep* - this show is okay but I think she won because she worked with a dead guy last year and everyone feels sad now and she isn’t Lena Dunham.
Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation

Outstanding Reality-Competition Series
The Amazing Race
Dancing With the Stars
Project Runway
So You Think You Can Dance
Top Chef
The Voice* - why do people listen to crappy music and then watch a tv show with questionably talented people performing karaoke versions of those songs? And when a good singer is finally found, where do those judges get off providing criticism to people far more talented than they are?

Outstanding Variety Series
The Colbert Report* Of course I am happy about this but why couldn’t they have done a tribute to the awesomeness that was John Oliver this summer??
The Daily Show
Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
Jimmy Kimmel Live
Saturday Night Live
Real Time With Bill Maher

Outstanding Drama Series
Breaking Bad* - The only one of these shows that I don’t watch. Sure, the internet tells me I am a loser for not watching but I just can’t do it. There is no redeeming quality to this show, its all just about cancer and meth and sad lives. I should take this time to say that I have only watched 3 episodes. Maybe it gets better.
Downton Abbey
Game of Thrones
House of Cards
Homeland
Mad Men

Outstanding Comedy Series
30 Rock
The Big Bang
Girls
Louie
Modern Family*the only reason I am not just kind of meh about this is that it beat out Big Bang Theory and that Lily chick is pretty awesome.
Veep

Outstanding Miniseries or Movie
American Horror Story
Behind the Candelabra* did any see that Vikings miniseries? Wow, THAT was good.
The Bible
Phil Spector
Political Animals
Top of the Lake

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series
Bobby Cannavale, Boardwalk Empire* - I want to like this show but the backdrop doesn’t appeal to me and the ladies get treated like crap. I am assuming they do, I have only watched 2 episodes. Anyways, hasn’t anyone ever seen Game of Thrones?
Jonathan Banks, Breaking Bad
Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad
Jim Carter, Downton Abbey
Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones
Mandy Patinkin, Homeland

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series
Anna Gunn, Breaking Bad* - I guess everyone is sad that this is the last season but I don’t see how this chick could beat out a wizard!
Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey
Emilia Clarke, Game of Thrones
Christine Baranski, The Good Wife
Morena Baccarin, Homeland
Christina Hendricks, Mad Men

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series
Adam Driver, Girls
Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Modern Family
Ed O'Neill, Modern Family
Ty Burrell, Modern Family
Bill Hader, Saturday Night Live
Tony Hale, Veep* - Buster, if I can’t have you I don’t want nobody, baby.

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series
Mayim Bialik, The Big Bang Theory
Jane Lynch, Glee
Julie Bowen, Modern Family
Merritt Wever, Nurse Jackie* This chick is pretty righteous
Sofia Vergara, Modern Family
Jane Krakowski, 30 Rock
Anna Chlumsky, Veep

Outstanding Writing for a Drama Series
George Mastras, Breaking Bad • "Dead Freight"
Thomas Schnauz, Breaking Bad • "Say My Name"
Julian Fellowes, Downton Abbey • Episode 4
D.B. Weiss and David Benioff, Game of Thrones • "The Rains of Castamere"
Henry Bromell, Homeland • "Q&A"* wrong, this show did some major shark jumping this year. Has anyone seen Game of Thrones?

Outstanding Directing for a Drama Series
Tim Van Patten, Boardwalk Empire • "Margate Sands"
Michelle MacLaren, Breaking Bad • "Gliding Over All"
Jeremy Webb, Downton Abbey • Episode 4
Lesli Linka Glatter, Homeland • "Q&A"
David Fincher, House of Cards • "Chapter 1"* - never seen this show but it sounds like House of Lies so I am good.

Outstanding Writing for a Comedy Series
Jeffrey Klarik and David Crane, Episodes • Episode 209
Louis C.K and Pamela Adlon, Louie • "Daddy's Girlfriend" (Part 1)
Greg Daniels, The Office • "Finale"
Robert Carlock and Jack Burditt, 30 Rock • "Hogcock!"
Tina Fey and Tracey Wigfield, 30 Rock • "Last Lunch"* Louie maybe should have won in a fair world but Hogcock would have won in my world.

Outstanding Directing for a Comedy Series
Lena Dunham, Girls • "On All Fours"
Paris Barclay, Glee • "Diva"
Louis C.K., Louie • "New Year's Eve"
Gail Mancuso, Modern Family • "Arrested"* HOGCOCK!
Beth McCarthy-Miller, 30 Rock • "Hogcock!" / "Last Lunch"

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Miniseries or a Movie
James Cromwell, American Horror Story: Asylum* I have never seen any of these shows but I like Scott Bakula, rhymes with Dracula.
Zachary Quinto, American Horror Story: Asylum
Scott Bakula, Behind the Candelabra
John Benjamin, The Big C: Hereafter
Peter Mullan, Top of the Lake

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or a Movie
Sarah Paulson, American Horror Story: Asylum
Imelda Staunton, The Girl
Ellen Burstyn, Political Animals*again, never seen any of these so I agree.
Charlotte Rampling, Restless
Alfre Woodard, Steel Magnolias

Outstanding Writing for a Miniseries, Movie or a Dramatic Special
Richard LaGravenese, Behind the Candelabra
Abi Morgan, The Hour* -I don’t know anything about any of these but there are probably a lot of good Phil Spector stories.
Tom Stoppard, Parade's End
David Mamet, Phil Spector
Gerard Lee and Jane Campion, Top of the Lake

Outstanding Directing for a Miniseries, Movie or a Dramatic Special
Steven Soderbergh, Behind the Candelabra* BORING
Julian Jarrold, The Girl
David Mamet, Phil Spector
Allison Anders, Ring of Fire
Garth Davis and Jane Campion, Top of the Lake • Part 5

Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series
The Colbert Report* Political jokes practically write themselves.
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
Jimmy Kimmel Live
Portlandia
Real Time With Bill Maher
Saturday Night Live

Outstanding Directing for a Variety Series
James Hoskinson, The Colbert Report
Chuck O'Neil, The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
Andy Fisher, Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Jerry Foley, Late Show With David Letterman
Jonathan Krisel, Portlandia
Don Roy King, Saturday Night Live* WHAT THE HELL