The Only 10 First Date Conversations That Exist
"Do you watch Walking Dead?"
1
"Ahhh I did but I'm only through Season 3 then fell behind, but I think it's all on Netflix. I just finished Fargo though, did you catch any of that?"
"No! I wanted to but stupid FX took it off OnDemand, but I think it's streamable now? Definitely want to. You... you DO watch Game of Thrones, right? OH GOD PLEASE SAY YES, WE HAVEN'T EVEN GOTTEN OUR APPETIZERS YET..."
"So I'm a social marketing strategist for a startup that's trying to aggregate brands in the digital arena under one umbrella. Also apps are involved."
"Ahh, I gotcha, so you're like, in tech... marketing... creative? That's cool. I work for the Department of Educational Servicetude, we track digital trends in the educational landscape in middle-income neighborhoods."
"Sounds... cool! So you use computers too! That's so funny. I totally know what that's like."
"Yeah. And we have meetings sometimes."
"Ugh, meetings! The WORST!"
"So, how do you know Sandip?"
"Oh we went to college together actually, had a place together Junior year."
"Oh awesome."
"How bout you?"
"Oh. We used to, uh... we hung out a few times. Stayed in touch."
"Oh. Cool."
[Both quietly take sips of drinks]
"I grew up in Eastern PA"
"Oh no way! My brother went to school around Philly, so I've been out there a bunch!"
"We were actually in Bucks County, like 45 minutes outside Philly?"
"Ok, yeah, I think we stopped and got lunch around there once, there was like a diner or something? I think it had a brown roof? 'Stella's?' Is that a place?"
"Umm, yeah, I think, I've heard of that? There's another diner called 'Green Kitchen' I like a lot."
"Never been there. Wow. Those sure are businesses, huh?"
"This place is nice! I've never been here."
"Yeah, it's cool, they have coffee and pastries and stuff in the morning but also have a really good rotating beer selection."
"Yeah, really cool. Now I'm gonna name a similar place where I like to go sometimes. You should check this place out."
"Oh cool, I should check that place out."
"So I have one older brother, he's 4 years older. Lives out in Washington state, actually the eastern part, not really near Seattle. It's like, a little near Spokane."
"Cool. Yeah I have a younger sister and one younger brother, they're both in the DC / Virgina-ey area."
"Now I'm gonna describe my brother's job because we are trapped in this spiral."
"Sounds good! Hopefully after our next bathroom trip one of us will have the guts to ABRUPTLY scrap this topic. Neither of us can possibly be enjoying this and it's going off the rails."
"Oh my God I can't believe I'm babbling on about my boring-ass brother's house in Washington State, I'm seriously not this boring, I promise."
"Haha, I seriously AM this boring actually, I love talking about siblings and states."
"YES! Oh thank God we're actually back to joking and having fun. WE'RE SANE HUMANS!"
"SANE HUMAAAAANSSS!!!! High five."
"Y'know I actually was just reading something about how some states are totally phasing out standardized testing for literature, did you see that?"
"No I didn't, but I skimmed this other article with a stock photo of a sad kid and a standardized testing form that I think was about New Jersey schools being bad or something. So I'm gonna agree and kind of talk about that."
"That's really interesting, yeah. Sucks when stuff is bad."
"I know!"
[Both too terrified to reveal any actual strong opinions until Date 4]
"Oh you were just in Dallas for six months? What for?"
"Um. Well, actually my mom passed away a little bit ago, she'd been sick for a while so we all went back there--"
"Oh my God I'm so sorry!!!"
"Thanks. It's alright, I mean, obviously it was sad, but I'm really gonna do my best to transition back into a fun first date topic here to get us going again."
"Yeah, my friend from high school actually just lost his mom last year totally out of the blue. I just felt so bad, y'know? Can't imagine how devastating that could be."
"Yeah, for sure. I really appreciate it. But seriously, PLEASE tell me you watch Game of Thrones?"
"Whoa, you're really into Catan too??"
"Haha yeah, I had a Catan-themed birthday party actually."
"No way. Really?"
"Yes!! You should've come! We should do it again sometime, no one there knew what they were doing."
"JACKPOT"
"My eyes are literally turning into 'cartoon slot machine eyes' and just landed on JACKPOT and I'm basically spitting gold coins out of my mouth right now."
"Now I'm actually thinking about you as a human and not some procedural job candidate for possible one-time intercourse!"
"I was just about to start calculating in my head if never calling you back would piss off any of our mutual friends! But NOW, I WANT to be here!"
