It’s 21:20 on Thursday 31 January at time of writing and there is still one hour and forty minutes to conclude transfers in the English football league between one club and another. Agents try to get the best deals for players who are swapped from one ailing cash-strapped club to another (I don’t think Chelsea FC is active now they have Demba Ba) in the hopes of strengthening defence, mid-field or being able to score a few more goals. But what if the transfer deadline day applied to the film industry as producers traded stars from one franchise to another? The following article speculates what last minute deals could be done in an effort to boost profits and appeal to new markets.
In the next James Bond instalment, Ben Whishaw (as Q) has been traded with Joe Thomas from THE INBETWEENERS MOVIE. Thomas is delighted. ‘At last, I’ll be able to swap fart jokes with Daniel Craig. Pity Dame Judi isn’t part of the franchise any more as she likes a good steamer.’ Thomas is reportedly looking forward to going low-tech. ‘A gun and a watch? No, mate. I’m going something for a bit more classical.’ Naomie Harris as Miss Moneypenny is not amused.
Whishaw meanwhile has been said to be looking forward to the INBETWEENERS SEQUEL, lensing in 2013. ‘I shall be delighted to show my bits on screen and having some undergarment malfunctions. I was in PERFUME: STORY OF A MURDERER after all.’
Across the pond, Laurence Fishburne has reportedly inked a deal to replace Robert De Niro in the fourth MEET THE PARENTS film to be directed by John Singleton. ‘Teri Polo’s character, Pam, gets the shock of her life.’ Expect Fishburne to square off with Streisand. ‘You say what I did as Ike Turner to Angela Bassett. That’s nothing. A STAR IS BAD-ASS!’ Awkward massage scenes are reportedly out.
De Niro meanwhile is reportedly close to signing a deal about the legendary music producer Berry Gordy. No, he isn’t! What were they thinking?
Since the TWILIGHT series has come to an end (no more Team Jacob’s Cream Crackers), Robert Pattinson is looking for a new franchise. The pale heartthrob is hoping to replace Johnny Depp in THE LONE RANGER TOO. ‘I can do that vague, disconnected look. Besides, isn’t there going to be a PIRATES FIVE?’ He’s also linked with the FAST AND FURIOUS franchise, hoping to replace Paul Walker. Vin Diesel reportedly patted him on the head and said ‘there, there’.
Still in tabloid Hollywood Enquirer land, Sam Worthington is reportedly being bumped from the threequel REMEMBER THE CLASH AND WRATH OF THE TITANS, which combines Greek mythology and the birth of college football. Aiming to replace him is Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson, who knows a thing or two about stepping into an ailing franchise, having appeared in BE COOL. Oh, yes, that was a flop. Johnson wants to put his wrestling past behind him with a remake of THE WORLD ACCORDING TO GARP. ‘I quite fancy that Roberta Muldoon [role]’, an unattributed quote says. ‘That John Lithgow is quite a character.’
Jackie Chan is reportedly minutes away from a deal for Ang Lee’s remake of his own PUSHING HANDS. Expectt Chan to lay his hands on another actor and then shake them vigorously. ‘Once it was for comedy. Now it is old age,’ another unattributed quote has it.
You know when something seems like a good idea, but it isn’t? I know the feeling. Hope you had a good January at the movies.
